well you know, this has been building up a while, but only the other day did i really fall apart. i TRIED to be strong for a while because

- i didn't want to believe i was getting depressed
- i didn't want to "need" meds
- i didn't want to take meds
- i didn't want to screw up the class

i really wasn't admitting it to myself. i was hoping it was just being tired. it finally got in my face. i'll be alright... relatively. problem is when. i have been unemployed for way too long, this needed not to happen!

Zoloft has worked in the past pretty much. i don't want to be on it but things were going downhill fast, and the sooner i start, the sooner i can stop again. i want to stop my mood stabilizer which i cannot, for as long as i take the Zoloft. (Bobby, no, not on APs. and i have been off antidepressants, just started the Zoloft today.)

you know, it is waaay easier to post a smile than it is to get the corners of my mouth to smile, watch: see??? just have to press 2 keys...

however, i have actually been participating less here recently, overall. there were a few nights of more activity. i have probably learned over time to observe the line between empathy and overwhelm. question of emotional boundaries. being able to peel apart what's me and what's another person. put one foot in their shoes, see how it feels, acknowledge the familiarity - but then retrieve the foot and put it back in my own shoes.

you know, when one is feeling useless, and asked to do something useful and within their ability to do, it helps both the person asking, and the person asked. it helps to know that at least someone else might be a little better off. it is important to stay within that margin of "one's ability to do." sometimes reaching out to others in the same or similar boat is all i can do... i do not see strength in it though.

thank you for the compliment in any case. maybe it is all just rhetoric.

but i really don't feel strong at all. i feel horrifically weak. and rather desolate.

thank you all for the hugs, and thoughts, and prayers... and just being here.

~ waves ~