I am not going to be specific about the details, but my ex and I had a rough end of our marriage. He did things to me he didn't realise were wrong until much later in life. sigh. Any way.

I have little boughts of freak out when things happen in the present that remind me of those horrible times with him. And of course the present has nothing to do with him what-so-ever. So I have learned to cut off the panic and redirect. Seems to have worked.

Until I had an argument with him during Wes's last mania. I can't talk to him. I can't see him. I can't hear his voice and I can barely stand to have any one talk about him. He pulled a control thing on me and I flipped completely. Bad panic attacks.

So my husband has banned the ex from setting foot in the house. (I finally came clean with hubby about some of the finer points of my last marriage and I think that influenced his decision greatly.) Now I am getting flack from he and his wife that I am being unreasonable and putting the children in the middle of a fight.

What fight? I am not angry with him or punishing him. I am avoiding him and making the boys plan their own time with him. They are old enough to have their own relationship with him and it should have absolutely nothing to do with me. I back up their discipline they have set in their house, even though it conflicts with mine here. I listen to what the kids say they want and never stand in the way of any visitation what-so-ever. The only thing I have done is told the kids that it is their choice to go to dads. And once they have decided to go there, I will not come pick them up or bail them out if the adults there loose their minds, drink too much and pick a fight. I will not be put in the middle of that. But the boys will either choose not to go if they can see crapola is gonna hit the fan or that they can deal and choose to go. I told the boys I can't see their dad because my head is all screwed up and that I can't take care of their health if I am sick.

But since I won't let the ex in the house, I am "keeping the kids from him and denying him visitation." Who the explitive said he had the right to be in my house and take his visitation here? Really. It is not his right to have free access to my home or to me.

And his wife says I am being unreasonable and that the little tift wasn't that bad and the ex didn't mean it. He just said stuff. (I bet. Doesn't sound too far off base. Usual behavior)

But the point is I divorced him over 10 years ago. I do not have to put up with his ...insert bad word here....any more. I LEFT him. I RAN from him.

He should never be able to control, hurt, or touch me ever again. Yet he seems to think these things are his right as the kids father.

Am I being unreasonable? Should he have access to my home, thus having access to me? (Right now, the thought of him even touching me sets me off, and makes me physically ill.)

And why oh why do I continue to let him control me and let him give me panick attacks and let him do this crap to me? I do not understand myself.

Bobi would say it is the martyr in me. Help me kick that martyr out because it is really making me sick.