Dear Steve
no need to be sorry. i understand how it is not to be able to post ... it happens to me sometimes. i was glad to read that you had a good birthday and i hope you continue to have brighter days.

thank you so much for your note of support. it means a lot to me.

Dear Hockey
i am glad you are not upset with me.

you know the guilt / shame is not about any condition per se. but for iinstance, right now, i can't help feeling like i went and screwed things up...

first, i did think about the class before hand and could have chosen not to make any benzo reductions until that class was over (assuming i got in). second... i can't help thinking sometimes there is a performance anxiety thing involved that... well, goes beyond a true "medical condition."

example. freshman year college. i wanted to sing. signed up for choir (required) and made appointment with voice instructor for audition for voice class. the day before the audition i got a sore throat. i rescheduled for 2 weeks later. throat cleared up in ample time. but again, the day before the audition i came down with another heck of sore throat. actual, physical symptoms! but... coincidence or psychosomatic?

i can't help wondering if something similar happened, with this class. those voice lessons were important to me, personally. this class was a one-shot deal also, and would have made a big difference in my marketability for the work force. see what i'm saying?

as for the other thing... yes. i need to try and give myself some credit and... thank you - i am grinning trying to imagine a rabid seal clapping, right now. you funny gal, you!

thanks so much for sticking with me. hope you're holding out ok.

~ waves ~