Thank you so much for your reply Chemar. I have always found myself to be different from others. My earliest memory is of chewing a plastic hammer that had pink, blue and white beads in it, and chewing a plastic camel. Even as old as 11 I would chew at the sleeves of my sweaters and at shirt collars. I did not like looking at anyone, and hated to speak. I think my symptoms go way back. My nephew has autism, another nephew has some difficulty with speech, and I truly believe my mothers inability to be nurturing is a sign she has aspergers. I don't recall she ever hugged me once. I wonder if she feels the way I do about such social rituals. She also has habits of doing things as if following a routine. She had a terrible temper when she did not get what she wanted and was very mistrustful of people.


My childhood was so humiliating and confusing as soon as I had matured sufficiently I have been looking for answers. Imagine a 15 year old reading books on asian philosophy? That was me... What a pity I was not able to communicate my experiences as a child. I lived in a hell of sensory bombardment for forty years. I also lived in ignorance. Christmas, about 5 years ago my sister finally opened up about the past that enabled me now to comprehend why she seemed never to have liked me. I do not have much recall about childhood events but my sister had harbored decades of hurt in relation to my treatment of her. Specifically:

1. An incident where she fell getting off the bus. She said I was with her. I had looked at her on the ground and walked away (sounds typical aspergers, now)

2. I had gone away to college and then to Spain to teach and not once written or called to ask about her or tell her what I was doing. ( again, I was clueless and thought my sister was showing she was not interested in me at all)

3. Living in the states I had invited her to visit me, but sent her a quick note at the last minute saying I was moving and not to bother coming. (Total misunderstanding. I should not have been so terse in the note. My sister thought I was saying I hated her and did not want her to visit.)



After moving to the states A neighbor who seemed very like me got me to look into the idea I might have food allergies. A blood draw confirmed dairy, cane sugar and eggs. Since almost completely eliminating these from my diet, and taking a ton of amino acids and vitamins my toe walking amazingly ceased, though things seem to disintegrate somewhat when I am upset. I thought I was cured of whatever I had!

I became a little bolder, enrolled at my community college to learn graphic design because I know I am unable to continue as an RN and wish to harm no one. I get good grades, but this is because I am very much a perfectionist and will repeat an exercise until I am exhausted in an attempt to get it right. I stood in front of my computer so long putting together a power point presentation ( almost 48 hours straight) that it was only as I left my apartment I realized my ankles were swollen and I felt dizzy! I take a lot of online classes because the truth is you can get away with having your notes to prompt you during quizzes. I have major problems retreiving information otherwise , and can and will do very poorly in a quiz if I am tired or stressed or sick. My mind literally goes blank. Some days I am so overwhelmed by all that I have to do I can barely speak to people and become monosyllabic.

I am, I admit slow at designing, do badly at timed quizzes in design because I cannot work quickly without sacrificing accuracy, and frequently forget how to do things I know that I know. I know I can be exasperating to instructors because I am always asking for clarification. Like Einstein, I can feel lost and disoriented in familiar places. I believe this is dyspraxia.

I have no time for my hobbies, although I suspect I become obsessed about the subjects I study. For a couple months I had a hard time not talking about my small business plan to anyone who would listen.

I have a very hard time taking notes, listening and processing , particularly new information, such as algebra and I feel innadequate in the classroom. Sometimes I watch an instructor speaking and have no idea what they are saying - everything is so loud - students talking, paper rustling, fans and projectors and soda machines whirring.... often I walk home in a daze, my ears buzzing. I find myself leaning towards classmates to hear what they are saying. In guitar class I was unable to hear the student who was playing a duet with me...

I am too stubborn to lapse into failure this time. This is my last chance to succeed as an independent woman. There is no family to fall back on.

I need a diagnosis because it will strengthen me even more as I struggle for success and accept the reasons for my limitations. I take courage where I can find it, and I find myself emboldened the more I know myself.


I will be better prepared next time. Thank you again for showing me these symptoms are real.