Hello. I love that wueation u have. Its a great one. I have had self-destructive years of abuse ever since my baby son died of SIDS. I blamed myself for years for allowing my baby to die. I felt like any mother is responsible to keep there own child alive. Here my baby was dying in the next room over and I was sleeping! So I didn't listen to friends and counselors trying to help me see IT WAS NOT MY FAULT! And it feels good now to write that in all caps! I started cutting on my arms to release some of that deep intense pain. I felt like, in my sick mind, it really did give me some relief. How could I deserve good things in my life now when I just "let" my baby die?? That's how sick I was. That's how depressed I was. There is hope for me and for EVERYONE else suffering from this. I have hope today. I now see the many many wonderful blessings God has given me. He never gave up on me, I had just given up on Him. This is just my own experience. I don't give advice, I only share what's happened to me. Today I know that if God is giving me something very special, well then I deserve it cuz who am I to question God?? I hope this helped u some to understand my own personal reasons for past self-destructive behaviors. Marla.