This past week was the one year anniversary of my youngest sons death. I am still not sure that I have allowed myself to morn his loss. Realistically I know that no matter what my decisions were the 2 years or so before his taking his life I could not have changed the ultimate outcome. But knowing that has not stopped me from having the guilt that comes from knowing that he wanted me to come and live with him in late 2007. My faith tells me that it was his time to go and that GOD was ready for him that is why I fell that no matter what he would not be with us.

Because of all of the difficulties I have had within my own life since Jan of 2006 I continually find it hard not to want to join my son but for some reason GOD has kept me here even though I have come close to dying 6 times these past few years twice by my own hand and 4 more times due to health reasons.

I am really having a hard time right now. Not sure that I have ever morn my son's passing as I had to help everyone else to try and make sense of what he did last year and during that time I was all alone! I am still alone because my wife left me in Aug of 2007. She had her reasons but I have come to the conclusion that for the most part they had to deal with my disabilities from MS and my other health issues for she has no caregiver bones in her body. OK so I am a bit bitter.

Depression has a good hold on me right now.

Mike