Hi again Colleen..I'm so glad you found your way here and are talking about your feelings. Our son Michael used a gun in his mouth to end his life...it's been twenty years ago this last January. I remember so well how hard it was to just survive those first two years. I think that his act was an impulsive one brought on by drinking half a bottle of brandy, missing his fiancee who was out of town and his favorite team, the Bears lost.

Are you able to concentrate well enough to read? I couldn't for the first year but then began reading everything I could get my hands on about suicide...what I didn't do was talk about it...I refused to talk to anyone but my husband and he was grieving himself. When you don't talk about what you are feeling you get stuck in an awful place...I'm so glad you are talking to us. Do you have anyone in your life..Pastor, Dr, a friend who is a good listener? I tried to find you on facebook but there were 4 people there with the same name.

And I agree with you that depression is an illness..it took me a long time to forgive my son for making this awful choice...it is the ultimate F-you as far as rejection goes...it takes a long, long time to work through all the anger.

Keep talking.....