Nikkey..... ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))

Dont feel that... Im sure your dad loved you...

I will give you my example, I think Ive told you this before...

I love my parents... I mean, I LOVE my mom... I have been crying every night since... I was like... 7 years old thinking, what would I do without her... she is my best friend, we talk a lot, she is my best companion... BUT, when Im suicidal, I cant, I truly CANT think... believe me... I dont know how to explain it... is like, Im another person for seconds/minutes... or hours... I even have "I hate my mother" thoughts... Am I sick !? perhaps... who understands our brains ?? I sadly think nobody yet... So, we, doctors, researches cant explain what's that... the evil talkign to us ? and alien that gets into our mind for seconds !? dont know, but really, when Im suicidal, nothing seems to work properly... I hate everyone... myself included of course, so, the decision is made out of control...

Im so sorry your dad was trapped (does that word exist ? hope you get my point... ) in that state or one similar to what happens to me and, so sorry he was successful... BUT, Im sure he loved you and Im sure he wasnt "in this world, with his feet in the earth" when he took that decision...