I think the very heart of this whole conversation is ACCOUNTABILITY. Causes and consequences. If the person does something that is not morally acceptable (and sometimes this means using plain old common sense because young kids and teens will TEST US. It's the hormone and the rebellion and I once read that it's perfectly normal for a teen to have angst and rebel and they need discipline, etc. etc. I get this.

But if that young person, or that teen does the deed, he should do the time. And I don't care if the time translates to washing windows until his penalty is sufficiently paid.

Let me tell you a story about what my son did. He is no longer in our lives but that is his choice because we would not enable. I've come to terms with this, it's a personal tragedy but I have learned to put myself first and heal my own heart.

But let's go back in time to when he was 12. He was in Junior High School. We had done the tough love meetings. He just had to have his way and that was that. BUT NOT IN MY HOUSE. I always held him reponsible and our relationship was never strained because he knew what I was doing, BUT HE HAD TO TRY AND DO HIS OWN THING ANYWAY. But to tell you the truth, his folder in the principal's office was one tenth the size of the other delinquents. I'm not kidding.

I will never forget. I got a call from the school telling me he was being held in detention for pushing a school guard. Alan was at work so it was up to me. I had never been in this situation before. Any previous thing he did was stupid infractions, getting bullied in class, he defended himself, the teacher told me "I don't blame him one bit, he had to do what he had to do, I'm not writing him up". STUFF OF THAT NATURE. He ran with a bad bunch of kids for a time. We talked it out. The stuff stopped.

So one day I get this call, I go over to the school and I'm in a place where I've never been. It's a floor with all the deans of discipline. Never heard of that before because I always went to Catholic Parochial School and we never had any deans of anything. You looked crosswise at the nun and you got bopped on your head. Always the boys, never the girls.

So I walk in and there is my son, age 12 or so, sitting at a table with three deans of discipline, and the security guard and there's my son sitting in a chair with this chip on his shoulder.

I am immediately drawn to the sounds in the other rooms (more deans, more kids, more moms). One kid had stolen a Chicago Bulls leather jacket from another kid and he was being detained. All I heard was moms yelling at the teachers and at the deans and the moms were yelling "you got the wrong kid, my kid would NEVER do this, let my kid go, blah blah blah"

And these rooms were separated by glass partitions so all of us had our own rooms.

I took one look at my sullen sulking son and I said "Sit up, you are in front of school personnel". He sat up. The others looked at and their eyes opened up. (this is exactly what happened because I'll never forget it).

I said "what did you do?" My son said "I didn't do nothing". I responded: "If you didn't do nothing, you wouldn't be here, what did you do?"

He said: 'well, this guy wouldn't let me in school". I said to the security guard "Is this the case, you wouldn't let him in school (I said this with calm and respectfullness, because I'm not stupid, I just wanted to get the facts).

The security guard replied "Well, Frank knows that after 8 a.m. you can't enter the school without a late pass and he refused the late pass and he pushed me and got by me and went into the school so I reported him".

I looked at my son and said "Is this true". and he smirked (he actually smirked at me), and said "Well, yeah, I wanted to go in and he wouldn't let me so I kind of pushed him a little BUT I DIDN'T HIT HIM OR ANYTHING".

I said to the 6 or 7 men that were sitting around this table. "what is his punishment"? They looked at me as if I said something they had never heard of before (don't forget...all the other mothers were screaming "My son would never do this or that".

One of the deans said to me "Well, in a case like this, we'd suspend him for the day". So I said "oh really, you think giving him the day off would be the best thing for him, so he can go home and watch tv and not be responsible?"

One of the guy said "well, he should apologize to the guard and it's our policy to suspend him for the day".

I walked over to Frank, I said in a low firm voice, "Stand up and apologize to the guard". My son said "why should I"? I picked him up by his coat collar and HE GOT UP. I marched him over to the guard (I know I sound like a nazi here but this is not how it sounds, I was a mother who was trying to make her son responsible"

He goes to the guard in a sullen voice "I'm sorry".

I said "not god enough, you did something agains school policy and you have to make amends". He said "I'm really sorry, I should never have pushed you".

The guy looks at my son as if he never heard an apology before and he said "Okay, Frank, no hard feelings"

Picture me standing up in front of a table with school officials and announcing:

"May I take him home now, he'll be back here tomorrow morning ON TIME, but I'd like to take him home and he'll be washing windows all day.

They looked at me like I had lost my mind. One guy gulped and said "sure, Maam, go right ahead".

I told my son to sit outside (out of hearing range) so I could further talk to these people.

I made sure he was out of ear shot and (I'm still standing mind you), and I said '

"What the heck is going on, why are you all staring at me like I lost my mind".

The principal said "Are you kidding, you are not like any mother we have ever seen, you acknowledged what he did, you are making him accountable, LOOK AT THE OTHER ROOMS AND LISTEN TO WHAT WE HAVE TO LISTEN TO ALL DAY LONG'.

They congratulated me on nailing the problem and making him responsible.

I thanked them and assured them that there would be no more incidents for the ramainder of the junior high school year. There wasn't.

As my son and I are walking home (6 blocks from the school to our home), and it was winter and freezing and he had on this thick Fila Jacket and he's bigger than me so I know that I'm not hurting him if I swat him, I said to him:

"Are you out of your mind, pushing a security guard, (and I whomped him in the arm, but knowing he felt nothing bcause he's a big kid and he has all this padding on him". And I'm whomping him on his arm, his shoulder "he felt nothing because I don't hit kids and he was BIG. I just wanted him to feel my frustration, so I did this all the way down the block.

He burst out laughing and said "Mom, I get the message, stop doing this, you'll hurt yourself". I said "hurt myself, don't worry about me hurting myself, you're gonna feel how much I hurt myself, being called to your school because you PUSHED A GUARD, Are you out of your mind?"

And he's hysterical because I'm still whomping him but he's so thickly padded he felt nothing.

So we got home, I got the windex and the cloths, and he washed all my windows, and went to his room, and did his homework. My husband came home I told him and he said "Oh you did the tough love thing, Good'

So until he graduated high school, there was only one more incident and he went off of his father and we punished him for that, but school wise, he was a model student, and got on the Deans' list.

Unfortunately, he left home at age 20, started gambling and made bad choices so essentially he is not family oriented so I had to make a decision. Drive myself crazy, or put myself first.

I decided on the latter.

I would do NOTHING different if I could go back in time. To do NOTHING would have enabled him to be a criminal. I believe in cause and effect and consequences and accountablility.

And the school system should be shot because they let the kids get away with murder.

One more thing he did (before the guard thing).

He was almost 12, hung with a bad crowd and I overheard him on the phone talking about how he stole the deans's key to his office.

I went into the living room and pressed speaker and listened in on his conversation (I don't care if it's right or wrong, you do what you do when you are a mom).

I heard my son and a kid talking about how he stole the key and was going to break into the office to get something out of the guy's drawer.

When their conversation was over. I marched into the other room and I said "we are going to see the dean tomorrow morning and you'll return the key that you stole, and you'll accept whatever they give you as punishment. He knew he got caught and stayed in his room.

The next morning my husband and I brought my son to see the dean, who didn't know that he stole the key.

We sat down in front of this dean (the head dean, mind you) and I said "Frank has something to tell you." My son said "Dean, I stole your key and I want to return it, I'm sorry". and he told the story.

WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE DEAN DID? BECAUSE I ALMOST FELL OFF OF THE CHAIR.

The dean stood up, saying "Frank, I want to shake your hand, it was very brave of you to return the key". AND HE SHOOK HIS HAND. And you should have seen the wheels going on in my son's head. He knew he was not in trouble.

I stared at the guy. I said "Brave of him??, we brought him in".

He said "nevertheless, he returned the key, and I'm proud of him".

I shook my head, took him home, and he was grounded.

The next thing was the guard thing, and no more stuff after that.

See what I mean? The school doesn't do anything.

No wonder kids do what they do.

Anyway, just wanted to share what had happened to me MANY years ago.

Take care,

Melody