Originally Posted by humarock

Hello All,

(preface: this is just how I am feeling, no two people will grieve alike, please don't take my posting as saying 'this is the way', this is just my way, this is how I handle my losses, be it right or wrong, everyone grieves differently, tears helps one, smiles help another, and laughter helps someone else. I do cry, though not alot, I love smiling and laughter more and find a way to bring that about, but I do have my moments, when the tears find their way on their own....just didn't want anyone to take this the wrong way, I would never belittle anyone on their emotions, we all have true emotions and everyone shows emotions in different ways...thanks for reading)

My Mom passed away just 3 weeks ago. We lived 1200 miles apart for the past 14 years, but I called her EVERY day! We would chat it up for an hour or two. She was my Rock, My GO TO gal! My father passed away 10 years ago and I know how much she missed him, although she acted 'tough' on the outside, I know her inside, because I am just like her! She was diagnosed with Gall Bladder issues on a Thurs, but on Friday, after some MRI's, they found cancer masses, Pancreatic Cancer as it started, but moved to other organs. She refused to try any treatments as she was Stage 4 (age 81 and VERY active)! They admitted her to the hospital on a Sat. and the Dr. on Monday asked family to come if they where coming, she didn't have much time. I talked to her through this and let her know how much she was my BEST FRIEND and I always look forward to our early morning coffee discussions and when she passed on, I would still be talking to her every morning, which I do. well, I got there on Tues afternoon and we all got a chance to see her when she was still able to talk and recognize us. My sister and brother left me at the hospital and at one point she called my name and said "I'm home, sweet Jesus, I'm home", at that point I knew what she meant! She was preparing for her journey. I sat and sang to her, she loved to hear me sing, and talked to her and let her know everything was okay, we would all be okay and to be sure to tell Dad I miss him everyday! Hospice then took over and this is the 2nd interaction I have had with this group of Angels! They are the most self-less and patient, understanding and loving people I have ever met! They administered the morphine to make her comfy, the chaplain came in and talked to us for over an hour, which was soooo calming! I wanted to sleep in the room that night and my sis talked me into going back to the house and come back early a.m., I broke down, i hadn't slept, traveled 5 hours via plane and was just feeling gross, the chaplain explained it didn't matter if I was there or not, when it would be Mom's time, she would go onto her journey. I went home to my sis's house that night. To understand, I would call my mom sometimes at 5:30 a.m. and wake her up in the a.m. to have coffee and chat, it was an ongoing joke with us all, she didn't mind, she loved that I called everyday! She was very active in her community and loved life sooo much...so I fell fast asleep after getting back at 9 p.m., at 12:45 a.m. I was rocketed off the couch and out of sleep, I don't know what woke me up! I went to the kitchen, grabbed a cookie and milk and went back to bed, 10 min. later the hospital called to let us know our Mom passed away peacefully. Then I KNEW what woke me up! My Mom, maybe retribution for waking her up all those times? LOL....Even though it is only a few weeks, some are worried that I haven't 'broken down' or cried alot and wonder if I'm really okay, but I generally remember things about her and smile. I keep pics around and smile everytime I look at them. We where just planning a trip up north with her for the summer too, we where flying her up, she'd stay with us and we'd take her out on the boat, which she LOVED the water. But she had prepared me for this time long in advance, little by little, sewing the seed that would eventually have to reaped. And I guess I am glad for her wisdom and her guidance as it helps me everyday deal with my loss. I guess that I feel better when I take joy in her life, than the grieving lost feeling. I would love to hear her voice and yes I pick up the phone or think "I gotta call Ma and tell her this...." and then I just talk to her openly, I know she can hear me, and I'm sure she's saying "good LORD make her be quiet" lol...my biggest peace is knowing that she is with my Dad again. His 'sign' was to mess with the toilets. sounds weird huh? but Monday morning, before I traveled to my Mom, my toilet, which has NEVER had a problem became backed up for NO REASON! That was my 1st realization I had to go. No matter what you believe, you have to believe that rejoicing in ones life is the best medicine. One saying my parents instilled in me is this, very simple: "you can't CRY over the things you CAN NOT CHANGE, but you can certainly changes the things you can" And that helps to get me through. No matter what I do, I can't bring my mom or dad back, but I can in memory, with my thoughts, my memories of times past and pictures of great lives. I am almost 50, I have seen alot of loss in my life, and it doesn't get easier as time goes on, but knowing that the losses i've felt have become the Angels I love, that gives my heart and soul peace. Another piece to all this, I am not a 'religous' person, I went to Catholic School, but I don't go to church, I don't read the bible, but I do believe in something bigger than myself, I do believe that there is somewhere past here, another journey. The heart should be open for love, love does not stop because ones life does, it lives on in our hearts through our memories, and those that go before us, they will watch over us and be waiting for us.

Mom and Dad, I love you in death as I love you in life, you have taught me the greatest of lifes lessons. I don't grieve because I know you both live on inside of me, I am what I have become because of you, because of your constant love, in death as well as life. I miss you every moment of my life, but I close my eyes and I can see you clearly. I talk to you, though you don't reply, but I know you hear me. I will rejoice in your lives and continue to strive to better myself and know that you will still guide me, through those lessons learned.

If anyone is a hospice worker, please know how valued you are. Though I may never see any of those people again, or know how to get in touch to say thank you or become friends, they have touched my life in the greatest of ways, through love and comfort. Thank you for your dedicated and tireless and self-less work daily!

To those who are grieving in loss, I hope this has helped bring you a smile. And I hope that daily you will remember your loved ones that have gone before you with a smile and love in your heart. And know that your loved one would want you to go on and be happy, but always carry your love for them.

Thanks for reading. Wishing you all love and peace and happy thoughts.
K