Dear Di, I feel denial so often gets a bad rap. It's actually an excellent defense mechanism when we have to go through something as heartbreaking as the death of a child. I'd hang onto that one, stay numb if you can - it's your psyche's way of protecting you now. What are the 5 stages of grief? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. And each one of us goes through them in in a different order, and stays in each stage for as long as we need to, to walk through it. Staying distracted sounds like it might be working as a good tool for you right now, in the immediate aftermath of De's passing - staying crazy busy when there's just so much to do to get ready for tomorrow may be exactly what you need to be doing right now, literally, in order not to fall apart. Don't turn down any offers of help - if you can't think of things needing done, then delegate someone. Can someone please man-up and get that jacuzzi maintenance well in hand? Di needs a good long hot soak; nice rubdown after.

I remember when my Dad died I was 4 days into a new job at a major motion picture studio, and HR wouldn't give me any bereavement leave because I was so new. My boss kept looking at me funny and asking me, with concern in her voice each time "what are you doing here at the office? Shouldn't you be with your family?" But I actually did need to keep myself busy at work; besides the distraction being therapeutic it took awhile for the remains to be shipped from FLA (where he was on vacation) to WA, where the rest of my family (including my Dad) lived. And having just come off unemployment, I needed to earn enough $ to fly my daughter and me up to Seattle to attend the funeral about 3 weeks or so later. (Sorry to be talking about myself here, Di, but my point is, you do what feels right for you to get through this - don't let anybody judge you or question your actions...)

But I will say that I agree with something Stardust said in another post - you will at some point, and on your own time, have to allow yourself to feel the heavy feelings of grief, loss and sadness in order to process them. If you can get a grief counselor through insurance or work that might really help when the time is right. I know when my mom died my EAP sent me to someone who had me write her a goodbye letter (very helpful). He also suggested that I get every picture I had of her out and display them about my home, encouraging memories to come up, stories to be told, and so on.

Di, I don't know you personally but I do get a powerful sense that you are the matriarch of your family, probably always looked up to as the strong one as well as the nurturer. Well, I say it's times like this that's it's OK for those roles to become much less rigid, and even reversed in some cases. It's OK for you to cry - in fact I think it will be hugely beneficial when you are finally able to release those hot, heavy tears and heartbreaking sobs that will rack your entire body. Not saying you have to pull a Nancy Reagan and throw yourself on De's casket tomorrow!...but neither do you have to limit your tears to time alone in the shower. This type of release can be a long time coming sometimes. But I do believe it's good for the body, good for the soul and part of the healing process when it does finally come to us after a tragedy like this.

God, how surreal the events of the past few days must seem to you, Di. The services tomorrow I know will at least bring some closure, some finality to the fact of what's happened and with that, the reality of a life without your precious De. Also on a logical level, and because of your amazing body of knowledge, you know that all that's happening to you right now is bound to flare your physical pain up because our perception of pain is so tied into our emotions. So even if it's the last thing on your mind, it is very. very important that you take care of yourself during this very trying and spiritual ordeal. Di. If you have someone close to you who is familiar with your protocol for self-managment, knows what doc to call if that becomes necessary to give you the care you need or a refill on an rx or just whatever...enlist them (hey maybe I just drafted Mark for that job, I'm not sure, but let's be honest he sure ain't gonna be the one shoveling snow off the front walk now, is he?)

OK kiddo, sorry for the novelette. You've just been on my mind since I learned the horrible news. Then I saw the lovely pictures of De and I just had to write. She is an inspiration now as she always was on earth. Will be with you in heart and mind tomorrow my friend. I wish you much peace. Alison