I have been ill for a long time, about 18 years. I have had some problems that required surgery in-between all of this mess and thought that each time I had something fixed, it would banish this illness as well; that it was all somehow related.

I remember the sorrow I felt when the illness returned...

The doctors have found SFN, arthritis and dysautonomia, but no cause. They are working on it, but it is so frustrating and I am worried that they will not find my answer.

I am particularly low right now, but I guess I do have my highs some times.

What bothers me is the inability to work. I gracefully "retired" after over 20 years at a career that I loved, made me feel smart and kept me motivated. Unfortunately, it became impossible to do my job anymore. I feel like I am in a void right now - unproductive and ill.

I am just hoping for a turn of events. Every morning I wake up, I hope that this will be the day it happens - that I will feel healthy and energized... pipe dreams?

I suppose I am not yet coping, or have found any acceptance in this mess. It is not an easy thing and I wish there were more concrete answers.

Mere