This is so scary. Please darkside find some help. You need to talk this out with someone besides your family. If you die I hope you realize you also kill a piece of them. I don't want to make you feel guilty, you can't help this, I'm sure you want happiness for yourself. Can you think of times when you felt good? The medication may have something to do with this. I look at life like a movie I can't wait to see how it turns out.