Dear Mari,

yes that's right about the laptop. but i've travelled before and not brought it. odd. i'm trying to think if i've travelled SINCE using a laptop, and not brought it. perhaps not. hmmmm.... it has been useful though, to look up some things, even though i did a lot of googlemap printouts before i left that were incredibly helpful. was pretty well prepared as it turns out. was able to call pharmacies, get my mom to one that had the med and was "on our way" ... smooth sailing. a big relief.

the trip is going very well overall, travel wise, room is great, place is great, restaurant downstairs is great. i am very very relieved. i was happy for my dad who got fish and really enjoyed it - was done just right - and he is picky. at least, he is comfortable. mom and i got pizza and that was very well done too. and the people were nice to us.

i don't think i mentioned the chest pain before because it happened towards the end of the day, even though i had had anxiety building up since the night before. tried to defuse it but nothing doing. i sang in the shower (as USUAL) but found myself short of breath! . then the chest pain. that happens to me if i have an anxiety attack and i pretty much interpret it as that. especially when i have been anxious! 1/2 a lorazepam helped though (low tolerance now i guess). i brought my regular stuff with me, but also some lorazepam. i can take it as needed, and if needed i intend to!

that is a very accurate description regarding funerals. it does really take you out of your world for a while and alter your focus. you honor those you lost, you honor those you have.

Dear Collinsc

thanks for thinking of me. i have been slowly letting go of one hot potato after another - the trains, booking the room... now we are here and... dad is asleep, mom is watching tv... i am just *HERE* but i'm going to go to bed soon too.

yes, thank you. i was thinking this too. i was a child last time we saw each other. i am angry too because i really wanted to visit before - and see my uncle too - and i even argued about it a few times, but... well never mind. i feel too bad about things to post about it.

it was weird i talked to another of my cousins (who lost their dad) tonight. he was ok with me as i was pretty much just touching base and perhaps even too airy - i felt at a loss... he seemed at a loss... i stuck to exchanging data... grabbed onto worldly details, you know? then i said do you want to say hi to my dad, and dad went on about his other brother's health stuff (ARGHH! i stepped on his foot to try to shut him up but too late) and then my cousin was crying. he is about my age. quiet sort. i think this really shook him up. it shook everybody up - we still don't know cause of death.

i am nervous about the funeral tomorrow, and meeting everyone, and not meeting my uncle. but i guess one thing at a time i need to sleep now, somehow.

i am glad i have my laptop and internet works (IT'S EVEN FASTER THAN AT HOME!!!!!) so i could check in here. makes things seem more normal somehow.



~ waves ~