KS, I was saddened when I read your post, you really have a gift of touching the hearts of all who enter this forum. But as I pondered over your question "why do we do this." The true harshness is that we have to, in the midst of all of the pain, the stress, the loss of loved ones who wither away, the sleepless nights, the loss of letting go of who we once were, I would say creativity, love, acceptance, patience, strength, all fall upon us as we grow with each day. This illness is not for the weak, we have to go deep into our innerbeing, which most people will never experience in their life, and find a way to make it work. To say the least this is a challenge, but the beauty of it is in God's hands. I love deeper than I have ever loved, I listen to the birds singing in the morning as if they were singing to me, every opportunity that I do get to compliment someone else's life I do, I listen to people, I smile at the ignorance of those who do not know, I pray more than I have ever prayed in my life, not for me, but for all. I do not beleive this is a life long sentence and there is no cure, I believe that our children, grandchildren, neighbors, friends, family, will never know this disease and that we will be a part of that.

I ask myself everyday the same question, especially right now, as I crawl around my house in immense pain, what was I thinking... I thought and believe that this may cure me or at least throw me in remission at least on one foot, but then my right arm has grown a large nodular and is very painful so I have decided to laugh, laugh and laugh some more. I am down to one limb, I mean come on tell me God does not have a sense of humor!!!!! We just have to learn to love ourselves right where we are and accept what is, and try to enjoy each day, hour or minute that we can. On the bad days we need to remind ourselves that this will pass and tomorrow will bring a different challenge. Good or bad its what we have, we didn't choose this, so it is bitter sweet. You are a wonderful person with a great big heart, I am grateful that we are friends, I thank God for you, and love you just the way you are!!!! We don't have to wait for a cure or remission to live, love and laugh, we can do that right now. Don't lose your faith, and give yourself permission to have a bad day. Take care,

Your little buddy,

Jeanie

P.S. this was my first post since the surgery, it was very painful but you know what you are worth it!