I am so very sorry that his treatment is not going well for either of you - especially you. You are taking the emotional beating while he seems to be, most probably unknowingly, using his Graves to cloak his behavior (to him). He is truly the opposite of my husband.

Although my husband knew before anyone he was feeling different/wrong, he reached raging (internally, taking a horrendous physical toll) hyperthyroid. He had lost a massive amount of weight at the end, the troops under him (who really and truly loved him) went around him to his own commanding officer, expressing their deep, profound, personal concern for him. After finallly medivac'd, his radio-a iodine was administered at levels to purposely decommission his thyroid for good. 1st, he never wanted its (Graves) potential of return down the line. 2nd, he wanted no neckscar (from complete removal) that showed above uniform collars that would cause curiousity in future assignments. 3rd (most important in my book), he knew that lifelong treatment with synthroid (and initial tweeks to get it right, with checks throughout his life for inevitable minor adjustments) would control things permanently. We still have pictures because, back then, you were put in ICU with nurses in 'spacesuits', during high radio-a treatments. It's all been good, as long as he doesn't get complacent since retiring.

Here's a good link for you to read, first (you may have already read it). Then, decide if your husband might be willing to read it. He really, really needs to do his research, before he ends up (most reasonably) alone. That would be much harder on you and your beautiful daughter in the beginning. He'd probably be dead from something, before he "got it". Push him, gently, at first, advance to 2x4's if you must, before giving up. Please. I can feel how tough this will be one you, but you have to do it if you want to save everyone involved. He MUST learn about what he has. Tablespoons, first, up to a firehose for maximum knowledge. He simply needs to know the medical facts. Maybe reading by himself, without having to face anyone during, might do the trick. You truly are in that old "leading a hoirse to water' paradox, but he needs to actually drink the water

http://www.mythyroid.com/iodinehyper.html

Still thinking of you and truly caring. I am glad if I can help in even the slightest way.