I've seen several media with titles like 'Diary of a Mad Black Woman', 'Diary of a Tired Black Man', 'Diary of A White Prostitute, and 'Diary of a Celebrity Crack-Head'. Who comes up with these titles? However, that is not the plot of the novel to 'Ramblings of an ill ole lady'.

I decided to add my version to the illustrious list of diaries. I've always tried to live accepting that 'this' is life. Whatever 'this' is being determined by events happening in proximity to my location. I wasn't concerned about events that did not impact my small world, afterall, my world had its own turmoil, trouble and toil. I just accepted that no matter what was happening was how life was lived by people within my 'station' of life. We lived on the 'other' side of the tracks, not the good side. We walked to and from school no matter what the weather or how far. We had more than some and less than others, that was life. It was accepted, simple.

I married at an early age, had two beautiful children by age twenty-one. Once again I accepted that 'this' was life for married people. I worked while my children were growing, sometimes having two jobs, and a spouse gone more than being home. I didn't have time for concerns that didn't impact my family directly, I was swimming hard and fast against the current so we all could survive. My children were growing up fast, and I had to make a decision that not only impacted my world, but theirs. After a carefully thought out decision, I divorced their father.

I was in my middle thirties, my mother just died and several family members very ill. I accepted 'this' once again. Then less than a year, almost five deaths, one of which was my 17 yr old nephew. 'This' had happened again, life, easily given and taken. In my acceptance, I began to rebuild my life and focus more on my children who were in their middle teens. I also began to notice something different as my world was beginning to turn more slowly.
I noticed the people around me, friends and aquaintances, I began to become mildly interested.

I always had friends, quite a few actually, and we always did loads of things together. I had always distanced myself because that was how I perceived it should be. My friends knew I loved them, and I knew they returned in kind. My friends like myself were there in times of great need such as the death of family or mutual friend. However, we each still lived in our own small world that we had cultivated, nutured and grown. After sometime I moved to another state to marry and left behind the world I had lived in for so many years.

Once again, life changed, I changed and acceptance came with those changes. I had a new husband and three new children, I was changing my world a little at a time. I was now close to forty, looking forward to the 'easy' years. The time when I could stay home, live on retirement, travel and just relax. I believe my grandparents and parents called it the 'golden' years. Well, if you see in any gold...its mine.lol Unfortunately, 'this' happened and once again I had to accept changes.

I had a job I loved, and co-workers that were rather fun. I was thinking of staying until I was too old to drive or resembled the little silver-haired lady looking through the steering wheel just above the dash driving madly. 'This' happened, it was not to be. I was very active and thought, healthy. How arrogant one can be thinking that chronic illnesses doesn't happen in our family? I knew better than anyone, it is very possible, cancer struck more than once in my family. How could I have been so arrogant to think I was invincible, who did I think I was Super Girl or Wonder Woman as I was nicknamed?

I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, yet I accepted 'this' once again. This being life, what choice did I have? Giving up was not within my character, not since a very long time ago. I could not give up now after all these years, I didn't do very well last time when I decided to give up...so why would I now? I had grandchildren I needed to see grow, I being older tried to understand, how did this happen?

I've been ill in spirit as well as body. I've felt like laying down and saying, 'heart stop beating'. I've had days that turned into months of pain and such despair at times that it would be easy to give up...it would be soooo easy to just give 'this' up. As each day comes it seems to bring more confusion, stress and financial disaster. However, 'this' is accepted, some people, like my husband can find solace in alcohol. I'd rather live and feel all the hurt, laughter, friends, family and love in 'this' than dull it with a bottle.

I would rather feel above the ground than lie beneath it never knowing what my beautiful grandchildren will grow to become. Living life in any situation, regardless of status is not easy. We all have our own 'this' and we can try our best to keep our small little world safe, secure and warm. The truth is, when 'this' happens, you're the tiny atom in a huge explosion. Your life can be impacted in ways you didn't expect and you impact the world in ways you never expected. Afterall, this, is what we have and we each do our very tiny part each day. I hope each of you keep doing that tiny part for a very long long time.