my t and i have been working on hard things on and off for a year, but probably a month now. so i haven't been sleeping since march, and yeah we worked on stuff but i wasn't really "there". I dissociate a lot and don't know a lot about what happens there either. So lately we have been really working hard on stuff, and then other things came up with a good friend who told me i am too much to deal with and she can't deal with me cause she can't talk to me all the time. i don't understand where she got that i needed her to call me all the time and that hurt me bad. i hadn' cried in over i don't know how many years and last weekend i couldn't take it anymore and basically cried all weekend and now i feel like i am going cry all time.

i went so far as to ask to be sedated to get some sleep from 3 different docs. all said no and one said that's how micheal jackson died. they tell me can't help me. well if doc. can't help then who can?

really how long can a person go on 2 hours or less a night of sleep. i supposed people get less and then they can get kinda caught up but i can't even do that. i hate bed time now.

my t is the best t i have ever had and i know she is good. she lets me call, she is the only t that has ever let me call her/him and she actually gave me her cell# and am sure others have it to. I just don't use it a lot, don't think it's warrented a lot either. i already know what she going to say, my choice to come or not and she will say i really want you to come. she knows i am going through a hard time but not much she can do for me or anyone right?

i am too much for people now, so i have to keep quiet about things. i write things down. she wants me write free association and bring in. it's really long just like last week i wrote things and it was 16 pages, but she was fine with it. i think it's too much and don't know if i bring this in or not. says same thing over and over, no purpose and doesn't really say anything just mumbo jumbo. nothing that she doesn't already know.
i just want to be alone, like no one here at home and that starts tomorrow morning and goes till friday, i can't wait. not even the dog, no responsibilites nothing. but just the T appointment, and my mom says she get me there, i know i should go and i probably get worse or something if i don't go, so i need to, just scary when i go sometimes. i fight the tears for last 3 weeks and don't know how much longer that can go on.
anyways, am so sorry this so long.

thanks for all your support i do appreciate it, you are all wonderful people.
hugs
jen