I have my Dr. appt tomorrow... he cancelled on me and I re-scheduled with a different doctor.

Deja, your post was incredible! Actually, I have become much more spiritual in the last six months. I was baptized on Easter. I have started reading the Bible, learning more about Christianity and have converted from Catholic to Christian which was an incredibly hard decision to make, even though I haven't been a "practicing" catholic since I was about 10 years old! It just felt like I was betraying my family. However, now that I have joined the small Christian church in our neighborhood, I am actually "reading" the bible. I am actually "learning" about God and Jesus. Hmmmm... what a reality check I'm going through!

I am also learning to accept that it's O.K. to have a chemical imbalance that is inherited from my mom's side of the family. My mom's sister, mother, and aunts, were all hospitalized for depression. They were all medicated, some received electric shock therapy, and one even underwent a lobotomy to "help" her. I guess I have been so traumatized by all the horror stories of the women in my family and them becoming "dummies" because of their medication and treatments that I refused to believe I had inherited that DNA.

I moved away at 19, I stayed away from my mom and pretended I didn't belong to that "crazy" side of the family. However, after 3 failed marriages and many years of doubting my own ability to be "normal"... I have to admit that I battle depression.

Now that it has created such pain (physically and emotionally) in me, I am giving up and admitting that I need help. I was always the one who was the "strong" one... my mom told me for years over the phone, "You are the scrapper... you are the tough one, you never let things get you down... keep fighting for what you need... don't be a cry baby." She had me convinced that I was the strongest one in the family. I would never get caught up in the "Depression" net.

I've been so tough... so angry, so strong, and never let them see me cry. That now, it's eating me up inside, literally.

Thank you all for giving me a place to vent. A place to come and whine. It goes against everything I have ever been taught... to whine. To complain, to let my negative feelings come out. To ask for help puts you in a position of vulnerability. If you ask for help, then you owe someone. If you ask for help, they then have control over you. Not having my independence or ability to come and go as I please is the biggest fear I have. Having to ask someone for money, or to take me somewhere, is giving them power over me. Giving someone power over me is a very scary place to be. I don't trust anyone enough to give them power over me.

Wow, that is a HUGE revelation! I just discovered why I am scared to admit I am depressed. I don't want to be medicated and not have my full faculties about me, because I don't want to give anyone control over me, because I don't trust anyone enough to take care of me.

There is ABSOLUTELY NO ONE in my life I would trust to take care of me if I were incapacitated! My daughters are too wrapped up in their own lives to really care about me. I have no man in my life. I have no sisters, my brothers are married and live out of state. My parents are both dead.

Hmmmm.... Now, we know why I refuse to admit I am depressed or sick! No medication to slow me down or let someone else take care of me. I've always taken care of others. My mom, my brothers, my daughters, my granddaughter, my ex-husbands. NO ONE has ever taken care of me. Not even after surgery or having my wisdom teeth out... never. Not after having my children... Never.... I've always been independent! I've had broken shoulders, not been able to walk due to my Neuropathy, had bladder surgery with a 6 month old and a 2 year old, NEVER had help! Mom was too self absorbed, and brothers were gone. Wow, this is a reality check!

Over the last few months, I have had days where I just don't get out of bed. I just send an email from my Blackberry to work, I'm not feeling well, and I sleep, all day, get up and eat some dinner, then sleep all night. until the next day again.

I just want to quit. I just want to stop. I just want to take my toys and go home! I'm just so tired! I don't want to play the game any more. I want to lie in bed, watch T.V., read the Bible, drink iced tea, snuggle with my granddaughter, knit a hat, and take a nap.

Thank you all for caring. Thank you all for listening! Thank you all for hugging me!