HI Momof 4,
That dark place that overcomes all of us at one time or another , some more than others, is so painfully hard to endure...
I , too fluctuate between acceptance, anger, bitterness, fear, and a sense of quiet resignation.

I am curioius about the block of time when you were off the narcotics and feeling, better, when it worked briefly for you...I hope you are able to get back into that frame of mind, and still try and practice those methods of pain control and maintaining some kind of peace of mind..

I'm having a hard time lately, (I think it's spreading into my hip and back) and the thought that keeps me going sometimes is that 'it's always changing'
the level of pain changes, my mood changes, my emotional well being changes, ...so when I'm in the abyss, I try to hang onto the thought that this desperation will change, I'll have brighter moments, brighter days inevitably in this cycle of change.
I think I'm rambling but I'm at work and trying to convey my thoughts while being surrounded by work distraction. I just wanted you to know that I (we) understand the constant turmoil that we find ourselves in, sometimes punctuated with glimmers of hope.

Sending you hugs
Hope4thebest