Ever since I stopped deluding myself about the loyalty of my friend, I've stopped having any positive thought about my life. I think I've given up on any hope of happiness. I don't want to make friends, I don't want to go out and do things, I don't want a better job or more money. I just want to sit here and do nothing and not have to have any direct contact with anyone.

This is the best I can do. This is the happiest I'll ever be. I'll be sad and alone forever, and God willing, forever won't be very long. I get up, go to work, come home, do nothing, go to sleep. That's all I've got left. If I'm feeling really energenic I might play a computer game for a few minutes. I'll watch other people have lives, I just don't want one anymore.

I'm sorry I can't be happy. I'm sorry I can't give anything back to you for listening to me whine all the time. I'm sorry I can't help anyone else. I can barely focus long enough to read. No one should listen to my advice anyway. All I can do is feel sad when someone else is sad, and hope that maybe God will make them feel a little better because I'm hurting for them.

I won't commit suicide, that would be giving me something that I really want, at the expence of the few people that would notice. And since I don't want to make anyone's life worse, I'll sit here and suffer so they won't have to. I've soehow managed to survive the pain of living for so long already, I guess I can do it some more. I won't be selfish, I'll keep hurting so others won't, even though they'll never notice I'm suffering for them.