I am having a tough day. No a tough past 2 weeks. Actually... a tough life.

For some reason, people leave me. I have been thinking about this extensively today because again, I have lost another friend. This makes... 6-10 close friends and 4-5 relatives. So let me explain, but before I do, a word of caution, I am doing this to vent. And because I practically need support due to my now very slim and almost nonexistent support group.

So I used to think to myself, I am really crappy at picking friends. I suck at choosing good friends. I also used to convince myself making and keeping friends is similar to dating, some people are just not right for you. All this - denial. It's me. All along it has been me. I discovered this today. It's very difficult to swallow. So what am I doing wrong? I am being passive aggressive, I've also been told that I am "too nice". These are similar in my case, because when people upset me I am non-confrontational. Instead I give second chances, I let it go. I forgive and forget. But not truly and for real. Instead it builds up as resentment towards the person, and I start to dislike my friends. Also known as the "I hate everyone" mentality that so often happens with depressed individuals. That's how I felt today. Anyway, so I start to resent people and then without knowing it, passively and aggressively start acting nasty in return. This sucks. It's not right. It's kind of like a form of revenge. Just because you screw me, doesn't mean I should screw you back - an eye for an eye? no thats not how life should work.

So I am in a way, happy and proud that I have found something about myself that I didn't know before. Maybe now I can work towards solving and changing this huge problem of mine. Maybe now I can form friendships without hurting other people that hurt me too. Why are people mean to each other to begin with? The way I see it, there are reasons. There is always an explanation. So its better to work problems out and discuss it before it is too late, right? In my case, I guess it has been too late with so many already. I have considered calling up middle school and high school friends and apologizing and what not, for hurting them without realizing it myself because I was so hurt already.

Okay so enough of that topic. What else has been bothering me? The nagging depressive thoughts that have returned. The feeling of not wanting to get out of bed, the one I was just in until I got the thought to come back and find this place that used to help me out of the hole I used to dig myself into. I've realized these feelings come and go for me. I've realized the past few weeks I do need professional help too, I called today but had terrible luck during my very rough day and of course, when stuck in that when-anything-can-go-wrong-it-does mentality, I couldn't get through on the phone call. So like anything else, having these feelings makes everything feel like such a chore, makes me not want to do anything at all productive, makes even chocolate taste unsatisfying.

Another big issue that triggered all of these in the past 2 weeks was none other than my father. I'd like to blame him and I probably do. I am not a terrible person, I know that. But for some reason, his girlfriend won't let him see me anymore. This started on father's day when I requested a family-only dinner, let me remind you that this family consists of just us now, or shall I say the lack of family dinner. I see family rarely, I speak to family about once a month or so... so was it too much to request? Whatever - life sucks. So this moves me on to my next very jumbled but important thought.

Why does life suck more for some people than others? I know this VERY VERY VERY clearly. Not because my life sucks sooo much. It does suck, I had and have a tough life. I get by most days. I have done fairly well for myself, I like to consider myself somewhat resilient to all the challenges and a big fighter. I've been through alot practically raising myself. But I know this because I work with very very very sad individuals that have had the roughest of lives you can imagine, way rougher than mine. And it blows me away when I have friends or acquaintances that have fabulous lives of the rich and famous, or just perhaps privileged. How does this unbalance work? How is this at all fair? I like to convince myself that these challenges help make us stronger and better people. But at times like these, I just don't know anymore.

So just in case you may or may not be worried about me, just a disclaimer. I am fine - in a deep dark funk. But I will be fine and wouldn't ever consider anything stupid. I have fought too hard and too much to give up now. Instead I will just continue to wonder about all the questions in life that have no answers. And what I can do to try and solve them to the best of my abilities. And perhaps just keep moping by until I can get somewhat back to my normal self.

Nice to meet you all, if we haven't met already.