I feel like every time I get my head above ground, there's a giant hammer that comes and slams me back under again!

Oh, Step-Dad... no go. He won't help! I didn't think so!

Soooo.... I've got my appt. with Psyche coming up Thursday, excited about that! Finally may get some meds to help me through this!

Drug addicted daughter comes to me last week, says she really needs to talk. I'm all happy, maybe she's ready to get clean. What was I thinking? She just wants to unload some of her guilt. So any of you who know how Meth is used, know there are different ways of ingesting it.
Novice users snort it. It is manufactured in a powder form and they crush it up and sniff it up through a straw or whatever means they can find through the nose into their sinuses. Well, after a while, that gets to be icky.
Hard core users have a glass pipe they use. they put it into the end of the pipe and light it, and inhale the smoke into their lungs. Apparently this is a "better" high. It gets into the system faster and is more potent.
REALLY Hard core users shoot it intravenously! So, that is the stage my daughter is at! For some reason, she felt the need to share this with me.


So, I'm pretty overwhelmed by this information, and I go and talk to my other daughter, later in the day. I think this is something new, and a scary step she has taken. "Oh, Mom, are you kidding? She's been doing that for a while!" "She also sells herself to a few guys for drugs too!... she has a couple of REGULARS that she sees" "And she owes me and my boyfriend over $400.00.... oh, and the check she asked me to cash for her friend, it bounced!" "Mom, she is ripping people off everywhere she goes, and lots of people are after her... if she goes to jail, she's gonna get her *** kicked because even people in there are mad at her!"

Then on Sunday, I go out to the garage to get some paint brushes for my granddaughter to paint in some of her coloring books. I open a cabinet where my daughter kept her school supplies for college (she was studying to be an interior designer) and inside the cabinet, RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF MY FACE was a glass pipe!!!! One she used to smoke her meth!!!!! It may as well have been a snake to me! I screamed! I cried... I just wanted it to dissapear! It was such a vivid slap in the face! My beautiful, intelligent, articulate, daughter was now a junkie who was selling herself for drugs!

Oh... now on to "ME"... last week... I got written up at work! For being late... (not having a car and having to depend on public transportation). For not completing tasks on time. (Losing focus and not following through) and finally, bad attendance. (Too many doctors appointments and too many days spent sleeping all day and night avoiding reality!)

I am on a 45 day probation period.
Yippee. (that's sarcastic)

Wow, somebody wasn't kidding when they said it gets darkest before the dawn.... Where the hell is the dawn? This is the LONGEST night of my life!!!!!!!!!

SEVEN YEARS OF HELL!!!!! I'm wondering what mirror I broke. Who did I **** off? All this has happened since my mom shot herself. I can't break free of this. I have been praying, and praying!

I have been afraid to take medication for depression. I have been afraid to "give control" to anyone else. To let anyone help me.