Hi Gals!

Thank you for your advice and comfort~ It has been so nice and it has made my day and also made me cry. Right now I feel like the whole world is against me and thinks I'm absolutely insane.

Yesterday my sister, who also has a lot of health issues, vented to me on the phone for over an hour about her problems. She lives out of state. I always have listened to her; always but whenever I have problems- she rarely listens to me and when I bring up something she usually makes an excuse to get off the phone and uses her daughters behavior as an excuse to get off the phone telling me she will call back. Then she doesn't and I will try to call her, and of course- she does not answer- the rest of the day or week, until she needs me to comfort 'her' again. This has gone on since we have been kids. So, I'm very used to it. Telling her off I've have found out in the past only creates huge havoc in our family life. So, I just have learned to keep it at bay and deal with it the way it is.

She does know about my problems and is supportive. Today I told her on the phone that I tried to talk to my MIL about my symptoms/problems she 'did the phone thing' again. Then of course, my MIL, did not want anything to do with my 'health problems' and only wanted to talk about herself. That is par for the course. Trust me- it is best I don't even go down that avenue.

My DH again changed his view on my health problems. Now he is back to square one- with the 'it is a) in your head b) it is all of the meds I take and c) hypochondriac. Oh, I'm just so happy that everyone thinks I'm a crazy person! Including my own DH! I sent him a text today asking him to be supportive. Ironically he tells me to stop searching on the Internet and dx'ding myself. So I told him in the text to stop being my 'doctor' and telling me that it is all of what I just wrote above. I highly doubt he will listen to me- because he thinks he is always right. Trust me.

He tells me to not share my health issues with anyone- then he tells me to be 'positive' 'happy' 'outgoing' 'etc'- when we are in public and to stop hiding myself in the house becaues I'm a hermit. Well, when you feel like crap- you dont 'want to go out and when you have a spouse tell you to 'be peppy' when you feel like crap- 'it is very discouraging' and 'makes you feel even worse'- and when they tell you to 'hide the truth' from everyone it even makes you more ashamed of who you are as a person. Then he wonders why on earth I have such a low self esteem though I had it long ago- now it is even worse. ugh!

Now I just want to hide and never go out. I'm suppose to go on a couples golf outing Friday. I have bruised ribs- can't pick anything up but I'm suppoed to GOLF!? UGH! ANd, then act like nothing is wrong with me! And, try to act like I'm not weak- though I can't clean the floor in only 5 minute sets or laundry, ect,.which you all understand completely. Groceries- Need I say more?! After yesterday, I highly doubt I will get them again or drive anywhere from here on out. That was horrifying. If he can't seem to figure it out then he has a huge problem!!

I'm sorry that I'm so cranky. I feel very guilty, alone, sad and confused. Tomorrow I meet with the neuro. Sadly, my DH won't go to the appointment with me. He doesn't think it is a big deal. That really hurts. But he goes to all of my sons doctor appointments (he takes human growth hormones)- and then gets mad at me when I tell him things that the neuro says- and tells me "Why didn't you ask him this?!" ugh! So I'm very frustrated.

Thank you for listening to me babble and whine. I know you all understand and have been here in this spot I'm at before. It really stinks. I know it will get better some day. That is what I keep telling myself. There is hope- somewhere out there!

Coffeegirl