Hi to all my dear friends, Tina, Mark, Rae, Lily, and everyone else who reads the thread.
I just can't tell you because the words are not big enough to thank you for all the love and kindness you show to me. So much more love and concern more than my family, friends, etc. I would guess because you all really understand more than they do; but I so appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

Everything just keeps falling apart as each day comes along with the horrible pain. This makes the pain so very much worse. We all know that stress makes our pain so much worse. But life makes us have to deal with the stress. We really can't stick out heads in the sand and pretend that is does not exist . We have to deal with it one way or another.

The stress of the day is that I am on medicare and at a certain point the medications are paid by them until it reaches a certain amount and then they stop. For some of you that remember all the talk about it...it is call the donut hole. Well, I went to get my rx and I am in the donut hole. That means the meds I am no now for my ad will total $830.00 a month. It was around $60.00 per month. The fentanyl patch is the worst. For a 3 month supply is $639.00. The $830.00 figure is just the other meds and are for 1 month supply.
So, with the pain and all the other things going on in my life ( which is a lot ) this one just took me over the edge. I will not be able to refill the fentanyl which means I am going to have to go through all the redraw stuff. I was told maybe convulants, vomiting, dizzy, shaking, etc. I really do not have a choice. I have enough patches to last me until 2 days prior to surgery. Hope the withdraws do not interfere with the surgery.

Tina calls and all I do is cry. Mark calls and all I do is cry.

Today's conversation with them today was not good for them as they can't do anything about it but hear me cry. Then when I am not talking to them, I am still crying but not trying to talk at the same time. If I did not have the faith in God that He will take care of me.....with all the pain, plus the financial situation ( I only live on Social Security ). I would be loading my gun. There really would not be any reason to continue like this everyday. It would really hurt a lot of people of I did this. Yes, I have family and grandkids; but would good am I to them when I hurt all the time and then depressed with all the other issues. I am not fun to be around..........so????

But, the Lord does not want that for me. He wants me to continue here on earth to do His work. What is my work? Sometimes I do not know and then other times I do know.
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I know I can be so much help to others that suffer like the rest of us; but right now I would be the worst one to give encouragement to. At least today.

But then I look back before I got the trial stimulator and how much I can help people who have one now ( Lily) and the ones that are getting ready to have one, and the ones that are looking into getting one. I would be a great person to share the happiness of going the stim way. Like if you read the beginning of this thread that Tina and I did. I am certain that after the permanent stim is placed ( 14 more days!!!) I will have a wonderful story for all the great people who read our posts and encourage them to look into it. Of course, and to make all of you more than happy.

Tina....I am so sorry you do not feel good and yet you have to work in that horrible heat, and hard work on top of it. I wish I could be with you to make you chicken soup and put a pillow under your head and a cool wash cloth on your forehead. Keep up the nose/salt treatment. You may need an over the counter med like sudafed. It will dry you up and help your watering eyes, and stuffy feeling. The sore throat will have to take it course but there is otc stuff for that too. You need rest. I so hope that you are okay with Gary gone. I know you worry so much about him; but just pray for God to be with him each minute to keep him safe. Your worry about him will keep you from getting over the "ick"

I am so sorry I burden you with all my sorrow and problems. You are an angel to listen as I go on and on. At least I have you; but really not fair to you ei especially you feel terrible. You are my angel on my shoulder each day. Be really careful. You can still get an infection even after all these years, so if you do not feel better soon, please go to Doc and get some antibiotics. Promise??

Mark, so sorry to burden you also. As I told you, it is so nice to just talk it out to someone who understands. I know you and Tina and others do not have the answers; but I know that if I share with you, you will spend that extra time praying for me each day.
I was so please to hear that your surgery pain is almost gone or is gone. I know how hard it is for you to deal with getting your strength back. It will take time. Pray for patience and like we talked about.....walk that extra blocks each day. You are doing great. The stim is doing it's job which is such a blessing. Be careful coming down from all the meds. That worries me for you.

Lily, keep working with your stimulator. Do not get discouraged. It took me 3 to 4 days to figure out what worked and what did not work. Can you set one level for v1 and a different level for v2? Try that if you can. Whatever you are doing....watching tv calls for one setting, then if you get up to go to bathroom may need to change setting, or doing dishes, another setting, or if the weather changes calls for another setting, etc. You have to play around with it for a while to find the right setting. I know what you are going through and I have 1,2, and 3. Just relax and do not get it into your head that it will not work. My doctor told me a story. He said he did a stim and after being in for 10 days, it did not work. He was due for his appt. the next day. He told his wife that he was going to call and tell the gal that he was having them taken out and to forget the whole idea. So, he gets there the next day. The doc was all ready to say " I am sorry" that is did not work. He said " yea, do no be sorry. Last night I keep working with it and all of a sudden it worked like a champ and no pain. They put the permanent in and he is doing really well. So you just have to keep working with it. Your nerves are not used to it at first and will after a few days. Do not give up. It will work. I promise. I pray for you daily that you will soon find the right setting and not worry so much.

Rae, thank you so much for your sweet and kind words. They means so much to me. You are a special person and so important to this site. I look forward each day to getting a post from you. You take your faith and love for Jesus to help all of us. Your prayers for us mean so much. Your knowledge to help Lily was great. Thank you for being you.

So....for now that is about it. Tomorrow I think I will try to write one of my poems ( or whatever they are called ) I have never done this before; but think it is fun to do.
Hope you all are having a good day and know that I do not forget any of you daily.
You are my family now. I love you all of that.
God Bless you All
Take care of yourself's
ASAP
Cheryl