Cheryl,
You have a wonderful gifted way of letting your heart flow right thru your fingers onto the screen.....it's as tho i am right THERE. So much of what you said in this post sounds soooo much like me (except i lack the gifted penmanship
)
I didn't realize you were taking the Fentanyl patches! omg ! i did TOO and i know EXACTLY how you feel! Something is just not right with this setup and it really makes me want to shake my fist at 'somebody'!! For one thing the price of these @#$%^ things is a complete RIPoff!! i get so angry with pharmaceutical BS......
i did everything i could to stretch those patches and make them last.....
i was on the 100's....then, somewhere along the line i began to realize (at least in my case) it seemed to be easier on my body to use the lower strength ones (every 2 days) and it seemed to lessen the spikes as far as half-life effect of the med.....and yes, so many pills in between, trying to keep the 'breakthru'....ohhhh Lord. i felt so 'trapped', as tho my whole life had to revolve around if/when the Dr office would call to get my refill, and to be at the mercy of the nurse on the other end of the phone line as to whether or not I'd have enuf for the month......not to mention the humiliation of feeling as tho i was taking 'too much' and being perceived as such......
All i desperately wanted was to be free of the constantCONSTANTconstant
painnnn! All the days and nights I just curled up under my blankets and cried..... and yes, the times i'd sink into such despair i would ask God to just PLEASE TAKE ME!!!
I know how intense this is for you. i truly know. Every angle of what you describe. Feeling so isolated/useless/alone......
When someone is suffering to the degree you are right now, there should be ample pain relief available! WHY can't the system just LET it Be that way!
No human being should be suffering like this.
Please PLEASE grasp onto the 'knowing' that you won't be living like this.....
you WILL be able to look back on this just days and weeks from now and see that your existence won't have to revolve around this Pharma (puppet-strings) control any longer.....
you WILL be able to smile as you drive PAST a pharmacy and realize that you don't have to 'play their game' any longer.....
You will get your sense of pride and belonging and importance in this world.
You have so much to offer and have such a heart of gold, this nightmare will be behind you. You will be moving forward......not feeling trapped in an endless cycle of darkness and pain.
i am so grateful that you have Mark and BMW to be there for you at the other end of the phone......knowing that you are somehow 'attached' to real human, loving, contact.....the warmth of them just knowing and truly comprehending what you are going thru right now.
Please do everything in your power to make it a real vision to the core of your very being....convince yourself that these days are numbered.....
Freedom is within grasp and you WILL obtain it.
Make it a reality in your mind. I know you can do that.
you typed out a very heartfelt post, so i can SEE that you are determined and that this nightmare will soon become a part of your PAST....
I don't get the opportunity to be there on the phone for you, so i just couldn't log off here for the night without giving you the best my heart can
offer....
You're one less day in the waiting....
I truly am praying with all i know to do
You are gonna get your life back, Cheryl.
i know you will
Rae
