A little different post here from ol'cs. For those of you whom have never been "exposed" to my writing (and i only write about PD here, then usually erase my posts because i have this desire to remain 99% PD anonymous; i feel it's easier to bring up a subject, discuss it, then dump it; ya, kinda crazy but I have my reasons).
I would like to ask all of you, those who i know and those who I don't know (mostly the "new" posters), about a subject that i hope will shed some positive light on the topic.
The topic is love, intimacy, marriage, divorce and related issues that we, the younger PWP, are forced to deal with, as much as we are forced to somehow make some kind of a "living wage", while being severely disabled.
The "living wage" aspect has been discussed quite a bit here, and there are few really effective honest ways of dealing with this topic, so i'll just push this very important issue aside for now.
What i would like to know is "are there any really stable relationships that one with PD continues to have with their mate, after the PD diagnosis?"
My world of marriage, love, trust and stability with my mate went to God knows where after I couldn't "hide" the symptoms any longer. In my case this was shortly after DX.
We have been near divorce after at least 14 years of PD. We have been in this quandry because of many PD related behaviors on my part (obsessive compulsivity, and physical changes which have weakened me to the point of having to retire on SSDI+, a lot of "paranoid (perhaps) dilusional thoughts of her cheating on me (a classic PD issue,wich invariably leads to a loveless mriage (she did ask me to leave my home and my children, and i complied after 6 years of "baffling psychological warfare" and many "uncertain" behaviors on her part, no doubt because "we" have 3 "children"(15, 20, 23; children???) and she needs my income to get along even though she now has a job and i'm getting worse, needing more of my income at he same time as my "family" does.
Basically i feel, unwanted, unneeded, uncared for, unloved. And i'm a man, i always thought i was the woman with PD that got the short end of the stick.
Recently, i tried to mingle with local women, but they will only "talk" to me, and want to hear very little about the thousand pound gorilla who is constantly tagging me whether i ask a stranger to buy them a drink in a bar (usually they see canes and run), or attempt to utilize online meeting venues (where i pull no punches and am honest about PD and my remaining abilities). However, Zippo, no luck PD boy. I fact, i have been openly used and then thrown away, just like a microcosm in time, comparing 14 years of PD to 20 minutes of cordial conversation, with no hint of desparation to "find someone" at all.
So, instead of looking for someone else, with true intentions of seeking a single mate, which we all need desparately; or thinking that i'm "washed up" and "worthless"; i keep trying, but to no avail. Whenever i see a couple embracing, i just sigh and keep thinking "why not me?" Is it the "Parkie mask?", do I slip up and subcontiously sound "needy" or like a "complainer"?
Why is it that nobody wants us? Some days, i still look good and could only "throw somebody off completely" if i went dyskinetic all of a sudden.
Do people take me for being poor, and thus a "bad catch" even though i'm not?
What is it (in your minds,if you feel that what i am saying is true), that makes us so unwanted because we have PD? A person who is not used to being alone and recieving the treatment that they get when their life changes to having a disease such as PD, i believe, is much more at risk for suicide than if they could just get the few things that they need most in this life, love and companionship.
So whataya think? Do we stand a snowflakes chance in hell of ever meeting another lifelong companion, or are we dust? cs