Thanks Mari.

yes, i feel comfortable with Zoloft. it isn't stressful like starting a brand new med. i am not fearful about side-effects. i could run into some activation, but i have some Depakote on hand. i'd rather not take that, but i will if i need it to give the Zoloft a fair chance.

i don't actually know how effective the Zoloft will be. my pdoc is right that a lot of what is going on is situational. but i've been realizing lately that even if some things are improving, my attempts at life are completely empty. i don't feel hopeful about anything. when i am lively, or joke around it is superficial... when i do important things like look for work etc... it's only because i feel i have to. nothing feels satisfying or rewarding, let alone exciting.

i did one of those depression questionnaires on the web... and it's not so much the score that got to me (high) but my own answers were sort of in my face. for instance, do you think about death... umm not much... only on a daily basis. the thoughts are more on the lines of wishing i didn't exist than actually wishing to die... the mechanisms scare me. pain scares me. but the non-existence wish is perpetual. sometimes it is even a painful sort of yearning. how situational is that.

it seems likely the Zoloft can make at least a little difference. it's worth trying.

i have nothing to lose.

~ waves ~