At a retreat I attended recently, I was part of a group that was discussing our individual experiences of loss by suicide. One common experience was we thought that we had become more sensitive than we had been before. We also thought our sensitivity was now greater than that of individuals who had not had a similar loss. We thought we had become more inclined to help those who had lost hope and more inclined to listen to, and sympathize with, others' grief.

Part of our evidence for this was in the insensitivity we have experienced from others. These are the people who told us our loved one was selfish for "choosing" suicide. They are the ones who told us our loved one is "better off," that we "should get on with our lives, and so on."

We realized that was how we might have been in the past. We hope we are now different.

I believe we should thank those people for showing us how we used to be. I believe their insensitivity comes from ignorance, either through a lack of experience or through fear they could be the next to suffer a loss. Or perhaps they have had this insensitivity pounded into them, the way they are trying to pound it into us. Either way, they are more an object lesson to us in our own humanity than a demonstration of their inhumanity.

We must remember the hope and comfort we can find within ourselves. The power to heal is within us. We have the power to survive, even thrive. Our "helpers along the way" can help us with this process. The "others" cannot stop it. These "others" might not "know the right words to share" or "when to say them"...they might run and hide when you cry and might misunderstand when you laugh...they might not have a clue what you're dealing with and might not be willing to learn. They are so afraid of "it".

Don't be afraid of what they might think. They have no power over you.

***by Dennis Gates, Volunteer Facilitator, Survivors of Suicide
SOS Newsletter of Dane County