So, I have decided this will be my spot to come to (or thread to come to) when I am feeling bad about things and also when I have good things to say. Today, is not a good thing to say day I am afraid I have been sick all weekend thanks to me picking up some germ and my lovely neutropenia making things very worse!!! I have still been trying to practice my piano and am prepared for my final my teacher is letting me do it one handed so I am so happy about that because when i added the left i got all screwed up! After I get that done tonight I just have to concentrate and worry about my music final next week and I am done and have a break for at least a couple weeks I need a break! Things have been so crazy around here, there have been major issues in my husband's family and none of us has really slept in days which adds on to make me sicker . And, I really need to vent about this I am really tired of my friends texting me and emailing me about their crises of not having boyfriends or being upset because said boyfriend did not call I am trying to be a good friend but its so hard because I am going through more major things and worries like "will I ever get out of pain", "how am I going to get through this semester again" "I am scared of going to a new doctor and scared they won't help me" and also worries of "I am scared of missing class all the time because I am sick every week" and "what if they put me on shots like my mom does" so yeah those are my worries. I also hate every time my friends gripe about exercising around me! I would love to exercise and be able to do all that again and of course I really hate the "I am so fat" talk because I do have weight issues and since I cannot exercise they are worse especially since my stupid hysterectomy! The only way I deal with it is I try to listen and nod or just say something like i am sorry you are going through this and then politely get off the phone. And then also I am trying to be supportive for the hysterectomy group but sometimes I wonder about well gee I wish my hysterectomy was the only bad thing that is going on in my life and I know thats an awful thing to say and I am very ashamed to feel this way but its the truth. I just get really fed up with everyone (like my friends or even some family) constantly expecting me to be there for them but when I am going through all this major stuff they disappear. I am the type of person that likes to help everyone and I try to help everyone through whatever painful thing I have overcome. I have this young people hysterectomy group and I used to run a domestic violence and also an adult women's abuse survivor group when our leader had to leave. I have also helped out with rape survivor groups too and for awhile I was going to be a social worker so that I could use all of my experiences to really help people but it got way too much for me and I really do have a passion for teaching and helping children that way Before my accident I had two jobs, went to full time school and volunteered now the only thing I can do now is school and volunteer here and there. I guess maybe I have been beating myself up because I don't have that same life anymore and I just have to learn how to have this new life and be happy and proud of myself again in other ways. Its just hard because I wish I was only dealing with one illness or just my chronic pain but I have really serious stuff going on. I am up to 8 or 9 prescriptions with 5 supplements and a vitamin but at any time this could change and they could add more but you all know how that is I have to get back to piano and try to clean the house although I plan on more resting because I really want to do our volunteering tomorrow!