So, now we just increase the meds and keep on keepin on.
No explanation for this confounding pain in my feet, and tingling in my hands! Just take these pills, take these vitamins, and come back in a month and we'll see how you are.
I want to exercise! I want to go hiking again! I want to jog every morning again! I want to dance with my friends! I want to take my granddaughter to Disneyland without having to ride in a wheelchair all day! I want to walk up the stairs at work without having to hold on to the railing and stop half way because the pain is too intense. I want to go to the mall and stroll through the mall with my daughters, stop and have lunch, and stroll some more. I want to go for a walk on the beach and find sea shells and treasures with my granddaughter like we used to do. I want to do all the things I used to be able to do without having to stop after five minutes because I can't stand the pain!
For God's sake, I'm only 47 years old! I'm not Diabetic! I'm not Obese! I've taken care of my body all my life! I've eaten right, don't smoke, exercised, didn't do drugs, don't drink! Why the ****am I having to deal with this ****?
I fought my way through a drunk father who beat me, a bi-polar mom who shot her self, raised two kids by myself and put myself through college and finally got my Masters Degree at 40. My life was just starting to come together at 45 and this **** comes along and knocks me on my ***! I barely make enough money at my job to pay for my two daughters to go to college, while I pay rent in Silicon Valley and am raising my granddaughter. This is the most expensive place in California to live and work, and I am making it. I pay $2000.00 a month to rent a house on the East side of town, and my daughters are both in Community college.
I have never been on state or federal aid, and have worked my *** off to get where I am today. I've taught my kids to work hard and to play hard. Now that I've got this freakin' disease, I can't play hard! I've got to sit on the side lines and watch the world go by me. I'm really ****** off. This is just not the way I want to play the game!
I don't want to be taken out of the game. I don't want to sit on the side lines! I am a tough kid, I WANT to be in there and in the middle of the game. Why do I have to sit here on the sidelines and "watch"? Please help me to understand how to overcome this. I can not accept that I have to sit here and watch. I want to find a way to get back into the game. I am not a quitter. I am not a "watcher" I have to find a way to get back in there.
The pain is really hard to deal with, and it knocks me on my butt most days, so I am forced most of the time to sit, but I've got to find a way to get past it. I've got to find a way to get through it. My brain can't just sit. As I sit and watch, my brain thinks of all the great things I want to do, and as soon as my feet hit the floor, the reality of the pain comes shooting back through me and reminds me of how real this freakin' disease is!
I guess I need some hugs today!
Terri