i am glad your therapist could connect with you.

listen when i was very angry with someone i remember having "fantasies" of smashing their head on a rock (now, that is kinda violent) and this person did not even attack me. they did something vile but it was not physical aggression. it does not happen all the time, but that time i was extremely upset by what happened.

anyway the thing is, i did not have any intent to hurt them. nonetheless, that image/scenario came into my head - recurrently. having the thoughts does not imply that you are dangerous to others. you have been repeatedly victimized. it is a strong reaction - to strong circumstances. i really think what you are experiencing is understandable here.

now regarding weapons. you can improvise. one thing i used to do when i was walking alone in a time or place that didn't feel secure, i would keep my keys out... specifically, i would walk with them gripped in my fist, with the tips of the keys jutting out between my fingers.

basically, if you have to punch someone, even if you don't punch them very hard or aim much... if you can get your fist in their face, with keys placed like that?
- you are going to hurt them.
- you are going to draw blood.
- you might even put their eye out.

but the idea is not so much to draw blood but to cause pain. reason is, while they react to the pain, you have time to get away. go for vulnerable areas - face, crotch, knees, feet.

backpacks. i carry a backpack. the way i do it is i carry it on one shoulder only, but i rotate the strap around my shoulder so that the backpack does not fall on my back, but to my side and toward my front, with the pockets near the front, and my arm/bent elbow clamps down over the top of it - if my hand is free i can cling to it also.

another thing i have seen women do is carry backpacks strapped to their front like a baby. that might be ok for a small backpack but i found it impairs my movement too much.

i too have to travel to/in a busy metropolitan area , with sardine-packed subways etc... i had my cellphone stolen out of my backpack once and attempts on my purse (found it open).

hang in there Sharla. i hope you are feeling less afraid of yourself. i know you have strong emotions - i remember you can be a bit of a peppery gal. that's OK, really!!! feelings and intent are really different things. i don't see you going out and jumping on some innocent person no matter how angry you are. and if you fight back a thug - well that is different. that is about asserting your physical safety.

take care.

~ waves ~