Hi, just want to say some things to whomever will listen. Over the past 5 years or so I have had quite a few experiences when it comes to losing the people around me, due to chronic pain. Even though it seems fairly common it makes me wonder why it has to happen. I can say for myself, that having chronic pain has made me clearly see the flaws in other people. For me it's always a friend or a family member seeing me in pain that automatically sets off a red flag to distance themselves or run away. Each time it happens, it hurts more than the last. My original injury was on my left ankle, when I fell down the basement stairs. That was when I was around 15, and I have been in pain ever since. About three months ago, I finally received a diagnosis and the recogniton of having RSD/CRPS. The pain has changed everything, and took a lot away from me. I never had a normal highschool experience, and I have missed a lot of opportunities. I wasn't even able to graduate since I could not to earn the credits for the physical activity portion. Since I have been left out of the loop all these years, I often feel like an outsider within my own age group. Making friends isn't difficult, it's keeping them around when they realize that the pain I experience gets in the way of what they want. If only I could make them see how blind they all are. The things that seem so important now will mean nothing to them in a few years. Although I would never wish any sort of chronic pain upon anyone, I always wonder how the 'critics' I have met would react to feeling this sort of pain, whether that ends up being friends, family or even doctors.

There have been way too many but the most hurtful people that won't accept what I am going through have to be my grandparents, and my best friend...which I have known my whole life. I had been forced into thinking that if I can't even trust those people, there really must be something wrong with me. In addition to bone related pain the burning, stabbing, consuming pain with extreme sensitivity has now spread all the way up my left leg, into my hip and across my lower back. I also have the same pain all through my left hand and arm, down my left shoulder blade and up the left side of my neck. Since getting up and standing at the counter to brush my teeth can be difficult in itself I use a wheelchair when I need to go out. The shame I feel from that is crippling. I am by character very stubborn and independant, add that with the sense that I always need be doing something useful, and my emotions are a riot. I have been through many medical procedures and medications, none which seem to stop the vicious spread. On top of the RSD, I have a few other medical conditions that seem to have worsened, including a full body ache that I can only relate to severe anemia and migraines every few days with headaches pretty much everyday. The only treatment that has proved the slightest bit helpful with the RSD pain is a nerve block with an epidural a few hours later. When my entire lower body was numbed and feeling frozen, the greatest thing about it was that I was able to sleep from 5PM that night until 8AM the next morning. I usually have a very hard time getting to sleep.

Just these past three weeks I have been reaching out to someone from my past, who has recently come back into my life. Since we went our separate ways on good terms I didn't see the harm in being open and honest with him. We were very close and he brought me a lot of happiness. We have been talking online since we are currently in different locations. At first it seemed like he hadn't changed at all, but I was stupid to think that he would be the same guy. Where he was warm and caring and good natured before, he is now a little cold, sometimes insensitive and he has a lot of shadows. I understand that people grow up and change but I wasn't prepared for it to be this drastic. He is convinced that he knows what will help me, and he has no problem being blunt about it. At first I thought I saw what he was trying to do...helping me by being tough, caring but feeling that kindness wouldn't help. Downright cruel sometimes, but with random moments of the old kindness. I am not sure about anything anymore and I could use some advice on what to do, because honestly I have no one else to turn to, despite his confusing attitude. Was it right for him to tell me I am causing my own pain? Am I wrong to continue talking to a guy who can't grasp the effects constant pain has on a person? To a guy who has no idea what chronic pain is or why I act differently sometimes? How do you make a person realize that I don't do this to myself and it's not easy to just get up and 'do' everything that I want to do. I have a fairly positive attitude most days but I am afraid that he has already seen the 'red flag' and will be just end up another disappearance. And I will have ruined the image he had of me before. Am I wrong to assume that he is ending up like the other people what were in my life? Or is it safe to say this influence isn't what my pain needs right now.