Dear Bobby
i don't deny that i'm smart. and i'm curious about things that interest me so i look things up yeah, but i have no constancy.
i made straight A's in school - i was overall a good kid and did my homework. the only thing i didn't do was study. i didn't need to study because i retained enough. and when the need came for me to study... i started getting B's... comp sci is hard but if you have the brains its easy. i have the brains. it was easy.
for instance i got an A in databases - a core, senior level course. i attended class the first 2 weeks and ditched all but maybe 5 of the rest, including tests. you were allowed to drop your worst test. i skipped one and dropped the 0. i remember one night the night my friends were studying for an exam i was counseling someone. the next day 1 hour before a friend of mine literally gave me a "crash" course in the material they had covered for the past 2 weeks. i scored in the 90's - one point higher than my friend who had coached me (he was furious
).
depression made it not easy because i ended up not staying on par... i didn't care if i lived or died. i ended up getting expelled for flunking two straight semesters.
if you saw my transcript you would know what i mean. it's like A B F F F A B F F. no C's. ha... no middle of the road - all or nothing.
oh wait i think i got a C in stats and something awful in phsyics too. but i mean i *hated* stats, and hardly went to it, only the tests. tests were open book and we were allowed a cheat sheet. i never did the homework and didn't crack the book except to make myself a really good cheat sheet and put colored stick-out tabs in the book
, so i could look things up FAST on the fly.
but then, take physics. it's core. no pass, no graduate. and i don't hate it. actually, i love phsyics at concept level, but studying it (as in,
really learning) required
discipline. i would have had to at least read the book and do the homework (DUH!
) to do well in phsyics. i passed it but i got either a C or a D. i am ashamed because i know i would be capable of an A in phsyics.
my parents would not have wanted me to do what i wanted to do. but i never, ever, tried to assert myself. and never really pursued things on the side. comp sci was easy in that sense too. there was no emotional investment in it. it was supposed to be a "fallback" but i never fell forward.
~ waves ~