i agree get some help. Don't be proud. Try to figure out when you feel like drinking and what you need it for. Is it to fight off depression. I think my father was bipolar and he was an alcoholic to fight off the depression. You have such a full life. You have so many interests. I am afraid you have been running away from a lot of painful feelings....just a feeling but maybe going to a therapist and discussing the painful feelings will solve a lot
hugs
bobby