I was a caretaker as a child. "The Hero". My mom has myasthenia gravis and my earliest memories (if any) are of picking her up off the floor and putting her to bed, careing for my brother and sister. When I was 15, my little sister had a stroke and was in ICU at the childrens hospital for 5 months. Then rehab, then on and on. My mom was too ill and my dad was tied up completely with careing for my sister. I had to raise my brother. (and in some ways, my mother as well.)

My dad was my best friend until I hit puberty and then he retreated. He is a very cold man to start with, but I don't think he knew how to handle a young woman. He was not nurtured as a child. Alcoholic parents with a habit of abandoning him. I know he loves me. He has gotten better at showing it as we both get older.

So much of my life has revolved around careing for others and putting my own needs aside. It was what was expected. I am a soldiers daughter. Strap it on and do your duty. Of course I rebelled and made horrible choices. I was so angry. But those choices forced me to grow up very fast.

Even as a small child other children would comment that they couldn't understand me because I talked like a grown up. Adults would tell me I had ancient eyes. In my 20's I would hear how young I looked but I didn't act my age. Old. Older.

So, I believe that as fragile and failable as I feel, I have no choice but to push my self beyond my limits. To endure things that I shouldn't have to. I have made huge strides at standing up for myself-I no longer put up with crap that isn't my problem. But I still make myself do the things that scare the crap out of me. Because that is just what you do. You strap it on and you walk into the battle because it is your duty.

I know it's screwed up. I know it hurts me. I don't know how to make myself change. The guilt kills me worse than the action.

OH! and I call myself a lazy perfectionist. If I can't do it right the first time, then I don't do it at all.