i thought about this thread today, while i was walking to the store, and while walking back.

i wore different shoes than usual because of the hot weather. ended up being just as hot, but these shoes also get sand in them, which made me think of pebbles in my shoes.

so i thought about how, many times on this same walk, i've run the scenario of throwing myself under a car. oh, i wouldn't do it... too afraid of pain/being maimed or ending up a vegetative financial burden to my family. and then i started thinking about hell. and how that's some place you can't get out of. no stopping to remove a pebble there.

my feet hurt - no pebbles but got friction burns on my heels. stopping would have removed the pain, but i could not just stay there in the middle of nowhere. i was hot and thirsty too. i needed to get home. i had no choice but to keep going.

so in hell you don't have a choice either. and some people, in life, don't have a choice but are truly victims of circumstance. in much more serious situations than just friction burns on the heels.

but one choice we make, is the one not to try to die. and we make that choice constantly, repeatedly, second after living second.

suicide is a choice you make once. life is a choice you making over and over and over and over. every step that you don't take, in front of that mac truck, is a choice to just put up with it... keep going....

... even if you don't enjoy it.

Addy ... i feel more ashamed now, than i did when i was younger. in recent years it has got worse and worse.

~ waves ~