I keep hearing things that I knew but had no idea that I knew. I have had grave issues with our two choices: Off, or On. Sounds logical off or on.
But then when i have more control of my body being Off,and off feels more at home but more painful than On.... I try to stop blaming Off and rewarding On all the time. Poor Off is the bad guy and On is so perfect and can do everything for Mommy that Off can't do; looking for trouble among the identical twins
Sometimes Off and On are clearly in their place, but sometimes I am not so sure which one is 25% in control and then 80% in control. I try to abolish both because I think On and Off confuse me. Off seems to take the blame all the time, I mean from the Normals, but i have seen interviews where the caregivers prefer us to be Off because we are too much of a hassle when On. It makes me aggressive and I said to a nurse, well honey i don't think you have ever been On. You would not know the difference.
When Rick123 does his water trick, is he on or off? Doesn't matter, but if my hand is trembling really badly sometimes I just have to hold that hand in front of my face and yell :Stop it" and it stops instantly. Sometimes.
Why do we tell these foolish stories? Rick now moving glasses of water around instead of holding them still. Greg hypnotizing people. Me stopping in the middle of an activity and going super slow motion. Why be so silly? Because there are people who cannot walk without assistance, but they can dance without assistance.
Maybe all means nothing. But we see these glimpses, these little events, which seem to get bigger if we take them in. That guy, on his bycycle.... hundreds miles on bike and no PD> Cecil had no PD when he pretended to be Hank Williams because Hank did not have PD. okay i am rambling...rick123 got no multi-blind studies about his 2 glasses of water; but for us trapped in the dungeon, locked in for a life sentence, it is a matter of considerable importance when one of the condemned snaps off his handcuffs and says oh that is easy