Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Bear
So, I believe that as fragile and failable as I feel, I have no choice but to push my self beyond my limits. To endure things that I shouldn't have to. I have made huge strides at standing up for myself-I no longer put up with crap that isn't my problem. But I still make myself do the things that scare the crap out of me. Because that is just what you do. You strap it on and you walk into the battle because it is your duty.
I know it's screwed up. I know it hurts me. I don't know how to make myself change. The guilt kills me worse than the action.
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Dear Bear,
You can do this. You really can. Look at all the other amazing things you have accomplished.
You can change your way of dealing with the world.
My accupunturist told me to say this often through out the day:
I release. I let go.
She thinks that I hold on too tight to responsibility and control....then I end up with anxiety and other health issues.
I release. I let go.
We can change our patterns.
You know this because you have changed other patterns in your life and you have helped your sons and other loved ones.
When my hubby was going to a pretty good counselor re his parents, the counselor reminded him that he had learned behaviors as a 5 year old. As a five year old he HAD to do these things
in order to live --that's how the five year old sees it and that is how it gets imprinted/ tattooed into his being.
Now he is free from there strictures, criticism, scary behaviors.... and can live without carrying out roles/behavior that they shaped. Mainly, he is not 5 any more.
OK. I am really not trying to over simplify.
Sorry if it comes out that way.
You and I have talked here before about what I call the "responsibility gene." My parents used to put me "in charge" of the other ones (4 of us). And Dad was military...Mom was.... nearly always in dangerr of freaking out over something.....We children were responsible for keeping the peace in the house... and so on.
I am learning that I can be less responsible, even in dealings with myself.
At work, I am getting better about passing on responsibility to others.
And with myself, I let myself off the hook more about what I need to do or what I have to do. Because, really, I don't have to do anything.
I release. I let go.
I release. I let go.
I release. I let go.
I say it. I feel good while I say it.
And guess what? Typing it works too.
Mari