Hello, Melody: Thanks ever so much for your message. No, I am not in constant pain, but I am in constant discomfort, mostly a sore back, and increasing weakness. That said, sometimes when I take a step there is a lightning bolt of pain in my hips; I have arthritis in both of them (consistent, I should add, with post polio syndrome, which is what I suspect I have. No professional dx yet). Also, I recently started having excruciating pain, very sharp, going upstairs in my right leg: sometimes, not always. The pain lasts for 2 seconds or so, involves the entire leg. I have not yet fallen, but almost did (for the first time) about a week ago. I am aware that these sharp pains can come any second, which makes walking dubious indeed. It is the NOT KNOWING when the pains will hit that is so debilitating, exhausting.

I live in Europe, so I am far from home and family. Nobody here understands what I am going through; they are inclined to think I am exaggerating at best, faking at worst. They are, in a word, irritated; I cannot say I blame them. From looking at the neurotalk forums, I am not the only one in that isolated condition. As you say, the forums provide what so many of us cannot find locally.

You mention sharing ideas...

Regarding suicide: I am not at all convinced now that suicide and taking one's own life are the same thing. The 200-plus people who jumped to their deaths from the burning World Trade Center were officially ruled NOT to have committed suicide. Rather, they were homicide victims. They had no choice (between being burned alive or dying quickly: there's no real choice there). So, in the end, they took their own lives.

Now, what if the "murderer" is not a person but a disease which, moreover, does not cause constant excruciating pain (comparable to the 9/11 fire) but debilitates its victim little by little -- killing him or her slowly, over the years? I ask: is not the victim just as much forced to "do something" as were the 200 people on 9/11, albeit forced in a different, more subtle way? I think suicide must be a voluntary act; to say someone was "forced to commit suicide" is, therefore, a contradiction in terms: that is the lesson of the 200. But if that is true, then people who are victims of debilitating diseases who kill themselves do not commit suicide; rather, they take their own lives.

Clearly, intention is also involved. The coroner of N.Y. noted that none of the 200 came to work intending to do what they did. Maybe, in suicide, the person intends to end life itself. When someone kills themself because of a serious disease (or a burning building), however, they do not intend to end life per se; they intend to end their suffering, and can do so only by taking their own lives. In that regard, to answer your question: no, I am not tired of living. I am tired of seeing my health deteriorate one inch at a time; tired of sudden pains; tired of perpetual weakness and discomfort; tired of being tired.

This whole question of what is suicide needs to be revisited. Socrates showed the incredible complexity of the issue: he was forced by the state to drink the hemlock (not suicide, therefore); however, when the moment came, he voluntarily -- truly willingly -- drank the poison (therefore, suicide). Now, that's a paradox for you.

You say it very well: sometimes, we are "dealt a certain hand of cards." The question comes down to this: do I want to be a burden to my family and others for a long, long time, or to be a burden for a week or two, settling my estate and so forth? Both are burdens, but I submit the latter is a lesser one.

Again, Melody, I thank you for your concern, your compassion, and your prayers.