Tom-

Interesting, I had a friend by the name of Tom. He was advanced in age, in diabetes, in blindness exacerbated by diabetes, and he was tied to a dialysis machine far more than pure quality of life would tend to indicate. Together with his family and God he contemplated cessation of dialysis. An end to the treatments which could have but one certain effect, and now my friend Tom is no longer with us. We still mourn his passing, but sometimes as in cancer situations and the like one reaches the point when they wonder "should I continue?" I have friends who fight like the dickens continuing, because they see that as part of their legacy for their family, while still another who was DXed ALS lapsed into morosity until no longer was he effectively a participant in the family and his time was fairly brief.

As with my father, now DXed with Alzheimers and fading so very fast, should he, would he have chosen a different path. In this family historically beset with suicide, I am glad he did not. Far too often once priors go the way of the path to end pain immediately for themselves, the part of the equation not fully considered is what does the legacy breed within the family left behind? In the family of my progenitors, where cancer was cited as the reason a great grandmother who saw her beauty fade into grotesque hideous caricaturization of her former self, she opted for the way out. Later, others, seeing a progenitor do it, thought it might be the way too. Still later, another, distraught with back pain took himself in a way much less thoughtful than you have suggested and the whole of the family was left to pick up the pieces and clean the residue when the police had had their fill.

A cousin of mine, dear, very dear to me and but 18 at his death was thought to have ended it in a fiery crash on I-70 in Kansas City because he was overwrought with what comes in teen years. I was crushed for years. Not long after, I sought to end my own, having seen what my precious cousin had done. Sure, I had my excruciatingly painful teen years reason for wanting to. Oh, but the blood, and I botched it, could not finish, did not finish..... and then I went into denial, hiding, loathing of myself for what I had sought.

Why do I go through this litany? To bring to mind those who follow you. Those whose lives become left with having to pick up the pieces, those who might, just might be spurred on to action by your hand though you were not there to hold the weapon. Just a thought.

Fast forward decades. I was in a horrible car wreck. Left me needing multiples upon multiples of surgeries to put Humpty Dumpty together again. I will never NEVER be able to do all of the athletic stuff I used to enjoy with my family and friends, although after a fashion, I am trying to get back on my mountain bike again [had to take off the toe clips because with neuropathy, I cannot feel to get in and then cannot feel to get out].

I have had friend ask me why I had not ended all. Why did I endure pain when it was well known pain made me scream at the top of my blood curdling voice? How was I so strong, they asked? Had I somehow strengthened my faith?

Oh, faith is a huge part of the person I am in this life, and that faith carries me. Much as in the Footprints poem where God is carrying the one who needs Him most when the help was most needed. I have no strength, but by God. May sound mystical and all, but that is my inner strength.

Sure, I had done analysis after analysis, knowing the life insurance would more than provide what our estate did not to help my family through a suicide aftermath. BUT it came down to legacy. Oh sure, I had worked out a method and means to effect an end, maybe even clean enough so family would not have to pick up after me, but it was that legacy of my progenitors that haunted me and haunts me to this day.

How can I make a choice which affects not only me but those who follow in my footsteps, be they family or friend, acquaintance or NT follower? Is my action an independent isolated action which causes no reaction, or is my action something which regardless of my plan produces reaction beyond my understanding? I opted for action for which I could be accountable in person; thus, I write here, and write quite often, because through pain I have been working to my understanding of life, my importance in it to God to my family and anyone else whom I touch in person or cybernetically.

I have been granted a tremendous gift, the implant of a Boston Scientifc SCS unit to attempt better management of my pain through electronics and..... just perhaps without the need for all of the fist full of pills that used to sustain my morbid and declining existence. Hope..... there is much hope here. God? He has carried me so often that I wonder so how I could be worthy of the lift, and then I remember, "wait a minute, I cannot be worthy.... it is the matter of His caring in my life."

All of this being said Tom. I care for you. I will pray for you. You have so much of importance to decide in your life. No one can be responsible for you other than yourself. No one. As for me, I am thrilled that I still dwell among breathing people for the simple reason that we all matter. All of us.

May your decisions come through to you in the grace of a mind filled with peace, and may you glimpse joy.

Your friend,
Mark56