So Tom, et al-

Once physically wrecked, career in ruins, money running out our doors, pain overwhelming with no end in sight, I actually did ponder whether I could end things in January 2007. January 2007. Oh, God, how I hurt so much. Pain, a neverending sorrow pit, where self pity seemed to drive me to consider whether family, friends, and others would welcome an end to my version of grief. The Hell in which I knew existence.

I had purchased a shotgun some many years ago. Never fired. The wreck prevented my return to the range, where among my skills expert marksmanship was a reality. I pondered.... wondered.... do you suppose? Would my finger reach if I, well, you know, did the mouth thing? I was alone. Everyone else for whom I cared was away, blessedly for them, because my agony was so severe. I managed to make it to the gun safe [one must keep such elements of harm safe, you know?]. Pulled out this item. Placed all body parts in order, JUST to see, could I reach.... after all, the barrel was and is part of a stock long action. Oh, and I am remiss... in failing to mention this weapon was and is an automatic.

Assuming the position, not looking over my shoulder for God, because I did not want His input at that moment, and this was only a test after all, I placed mouth to oiled barrel, finger to the guard and reached to see would it touch. It did. Click.

I, despite being so expert, and distraught at my plight, had failed the safety check to determine was the weapon truly unloaded [none loaded are kept in home even in a safe]. Click. That was the loudest and yet among softest sounds my ears had ever registered. Click. Just once. Had a shell been in chamber, that would have been "all she wrote." Click. Frightened out of my wits, I returned the now proven empty weapon to the safe and locked all away and out of sight.

Then I cried. I had not really wanted to end things. Sure, I had contemplated, but not PLANNED. Click. So glad God was watching over my shoulder that night.... that lonely night. Then I prayed.

Writing and reaching out to others became the thrust and emphasis of my being from that moment forward. I was put here for purpose, and not my own destruction, but to help others in seeing Hope swells out of the deep and out of the dark.

Click.

Thus, I plan for the talk I will deliver on Wednesday, day after tomorrow. Among the thoughts I will share are two poems which I believe God to have laid on my heart inspirationally. They follow, for you and for whomever else may be in any nearness to contemplation of an end of life scenario. A little thought never hurt anyone did it?!

Perspective
MRidder 20090712

Truly I have wondered
and prayed….
God would leave me ill..….
For in this, through this,
He may teach me to depend on Him,
depend on Him alone.

Now this piece comes two and a half years after my lonely appointment with an empty automatic shotgun. I actually found I was contemplating, Lord, how about you do not make me whole again so I might find the strength through you to be fully dependent and through this to help others. Next a piece I wrote only weeks ago and it dwells on hope...... that means to reach to another with spark in the eye and share that there is a mission perhaps not yet accomplished by them on this plane.

Out of Darkness, Hope
M Ridder
20100801

In the deep of my heart
a place filled with pain
a place, oh, so lonely,
may I reach out again?
To languish alone there
the light very dim
it seemed all steps forward
were aching and grim.
So easy the choice
could have been to remain
awash in self pity
alone still again.
Yet God in His great love
remained by my side.
He captured the sense
of this innermost plight.
The touch of His hand
burning clear to my soul;
redemption, salvation
shone light in this hole.
His fingers He wrapped
firmly ‘round pain filled heart
and cradled me near Him,
His sacrifice hard,
yet given His love,
price He paid there for me,
through darkness He reached
and with Hope set me free.

Thus, Tom, you see I have been deep in the throes of darkness where life seemed all but a flame awaiting extinguishment, no really just an ember at the end of the wick, for hope was missing, and the flame already mere memory, a wisp of smoke gone the way of fire no more. God was there in my hopelessness of darkness and brought me so far back from the edge of the precipice so far into the light that I could not fail to live that hope for tomorrow, the hope through which I have been set free.

Sorry you cannot make it to Golden, Colorado on Wednesday at 1:00 Tom, for I would gladly share myself in whatever way might be meaningful to help you catch a glimpse of hope.

Wanna shake your hand anyway, my friend; in this plane and not waiting until the next.
Mark56

P.S. while I might be willing to explore discourse with you whether Christ on the cross was a surrender to something very much for the saving grace of others as opposed to mere end of life scenario, I am unwilling to do that in cyber land. Should you desire to pursue it, we gotta meet face to face. No exceptions.