Thanks guys...

i am ok... and less overwhelmed, or more accurately, less intoxicated, than when i first posted. i only managed to sleep only maybe 3 hours because we have the techs here today overhauling our chimneys. had to get up at 7, ugh, still feeling the alcohol somewhat... yuck! fortunately i had the good sense to drink several glasses of water last night so no headache.

ok so what else happened.

ah yes. we talked about my twistedness... my reaction to the jaws movies... and voiced my concerns that maybe this isn't depression but something else. he said that aggression is always present in depression, and that it is usually turned inwards ... expressed as guilt, self-loathing etc. well i have those. but he said sometimes it is also expressed outwards... that it was not so surprising. also that it was not unusual to see a passive appreciation of violence in depression in persons for whom it would otherwise uncharacteristic. in sum, he feels my experience is consistent with depression, even if it is different than other depressions i have had.

i showed pdoc my fingers... which are ripped and jagged and bleeding. he looked at them intently and then said wow you are destroying your hands. we talked about it. it is something i've done before, but it does come about with nervousness, and he feels this is aggravated with the Zoloft-induced activation.

i also told him i've been more inclined to drink lately (until recently had had an aversion to it!) and he asked what i get out of it. it calms me... i also told him about the lorazepam-with-beer-chasers the other day, and that i subsequently restarted the longer acting benzo at night, especially hoping it will help with the fingers. he said that sounds appropriate.

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i didn't ask about increasing the Zoloft because i am noticing a difference, albeit in patches, so i should see how far this dose gets me. don't want to push my luck and end up manic. it's actually a very short distance between feeling ok and going over the top with an AD and i am already playing with fire taking it without a stabilizer. or maybe i do want to, sort of. i was thinking today that i am longing to feel euphoric... it would be so refreshing... but i realize i would end up doing stupid stuff i'd and end up feeling ashamed with good reason... sigh.

i have been considering to what extent there are mixed features... i have a much, much greater energy level now than with typical depression and the Zoloft is contributing to that. the energy is inconstant, and more helpful than not, but it does also express as boisterousness, elevated irritability and quicker-temper than usual. i get exasperated very fast. no patience. i also have elevated mental energy... which is possibly more preoccupying in terms of mixed mood. but so far nothing too worrisome, methinks.

re-reading this post, i am hearing more activation than i perceive in myself, directly.

~ waves ~