you know how when you cry, afterwards, when you breathe in, the breath is still kinda "sobby" ? - that's how my breathing is when i take a deep breath. i am bundle of NERVES! have started taking a significant dose of my benzo in the evening. it helps but is not helping during the day. it will take a while to build up though.

for the first part of the day i am dead tired. it's all i can do to keep myself in coffee. i try to get up and make the bed so i don't lie in it. i am trying to "do the right things" or as many of them as i can muster.

it's HARD. i feel exhausted and crabby most of the time.

if i do nothing though, i feel less exhausted but still crabby... and also guilty about not doing anything.

then in the afternoon (after enough coffee) i usually do stuff. either go to the store or clean or cook.

my most significant recent contribution to the household, has been in cooking. i have really ramped up the cooking... been doing all of dinner pre and post (table, washing up, putting away). i end up doing things which require a fair bit of patience... today i spent 5 hours on dinner! my parents enjoyed it, and they didn't have to work for it either, but emotionally, it still feels superfluous.



sheez i can't even seem to feel useful when i know in my head, that i am behaving in useful ways.

and i am POOOPED.


~ waves ~