Dear Mari

i think you put your finger on a rather knotty issue. maybe (k)not one i can untie, but perhaps this dialog will help me loosen it some. let's see...

that is true. i think it is about being unemployed and mooching off my parents and trying to "pull my own weight." but you know, i think it means different things at different times.

before then, doing software development, completely self-sufficient and with a "promising" future, i felt empty about my work and my life... it felt like a lean mean money-making machine. it was all about pushing product that would boost client performance and therefore make the customers money and therefore us.

i value the the ability to invest one's talents in a way that is beneficial not only for the self, but for other living things (doesn't have to be people necessarily).

-- at one time, i defined my mission as "to create beauty."

-- later i amended it as, "to create and appreciate beauty."

beauty is not intended (only) as art, although that was my primary focus. it can be artistic or physical beauty, practicality of design, mathematical elegance, inner beauty (eg kindness, compassion) ... very broad concept.

i thought of this because lately i have thought more about this 'useful' thing than about 'beauty.' perhaps the cooking is a way of bringing beauty back... i cook carefully... i tend to use low heat... i sort of cultivate the dish as it goes along. i pay attention to health concerns, chewability and other personal requirements, complementation of flavors (sides/main)... and finally presentation.

when i was not doing anything, and feeling useless.... it was understandable. that my former occupation was mechanical, not-closely-life-oriented, as i would have wanted it to be also understandable. in other words, in both those situation, the feeling corresponded to a reality.

cooking, cleaning etc... is, objectively, useful.

so i don't understand feeling useless. unless it is related to mood - in the same way when we get depressed we have a low sense of worth no matter what, feel guilty about nothing.... e.g. i put a little too much milk in my mom's tea the other day and apologized over and over again... i felt really bad about it. my mom was like well it happens occasionally, don't worry... and me going on and on yes but i'm sorry....

i am not sure that i feel needed but i probably do need that. my feeling 'useless' might be a 'flavor' of needing to be needed.

conversely, i feel very needy. i thought i had grown out of it. maybe i have grown into it again or maybe i was kidding myself and never grew out of it.

i need to connect with people too. first couple years in california, were hard, because i had left all my friends in florida. there, i made some friends and then it was better. (ok, that's after the first 3 months when i was manic and too busy to 'try' to socialize - writing/playing music (during the night much to the annoyance of my neighbors who had a newborn), shopping, making waves and getting in trouble at work, neglecting my mail and not hardly sleeping). here, after 10 years, i still feel a social island. i can't really relate to people... i can't connect. and that bothers me immensely. thankfully i do keep in touch with folks "back home" (haha ) via IM and occasionally people call. and of course i have this forum. these are all people i can connect with. folks who, when we interact, i get them, and they get me, each in different ways sure, but each in valuable ways. i would like to feel more connected in RL - i have my parents... again something. i do have enough to feel grateful though. but that is different than the whole usefulness bit.

thank you, Mari. your questions, thoughts, suggestions are very thought-provoking. (useful )

~ waves ~