This is the first time since my Head/Brain Injurie(S) that I've stepped outside my confort zone & reached out to a support group community for addition help & support. I know I REALLY do NEED to do this but it's sooo NOT an easy thing for me to do. I haven't the slightest clue where to begin with my story much less put it into words that aren't all over the flippin' place. I know what I want to say but to actually sit here and type it all out is sooo hard to do. It litterally drains me & makes me feel like my brain is "short circuting", "shutting down" and "sleepy" when I start putting it all into sentences and words. I get so frustrated & angry because I constantly have to add or erase words to sentences that I'm trying to put out here and it's taking me FOREVER to finish. I'm going to appologize in advance if at any time it goes from making since to mumbo-jumbo!! I often find myself referring to days and events as "the other day" or "a week/month or so ago". I thought, this November (2010) will be 4 yrs since my world/life as I knew it changed until about a month or so ago I was "reminded" by my neurologist about another concussion I sustained 3 or 4 yrs prior and again last summer. Now that I think about it & have read some of the things in this forum, it all really makes alot of since. I remember about 6 or 7 yrs ago the top of my head hit & broke the windshield of the Jeep I was a passenger in while "off roading". All I remember about that is litterally seeing stars, being dased & very confused for while. 4yrs ago I was attacked, the back of my head was bounced off a wall a minimum of 7 or 8 times. The section of the wall where my head hit had 1/4" plaster with Logs directly behind it. True Exposed Logs except that little 2x2 area. I can "finally" remember the 3rd or 4th blow before going unconscious. I woke up a few days later with puke in my hair, throwing up, dizzy, unsteady, confused and not the same. As I try to remember back to that time everything looks black, foggy & still like a jigsaw type puzzle that's been jumbled with half the pieces missing. I know I've made alot of progress since then just not enough. I had a set back with the 3rd time I injured my head last summer when the wheel axel thing of the ATV I was riding (in reverse at the time) snapped. I hit the back of my head on the ground when it pinned me underneath. When I referr to my injury I always referr to the 2nd one. That's when everything in my life personally changed. Before then, I was satisfied & averall pretty happy with life in general. I was (and still am) a Mother to 2 absolutely fenominal children (12 & 15), a wife to an absolutely wonderful man, I was a Police Officer (I have a degree in forensics that's USELESS now), a Licensed Real Estate Broker (owned my own companies), a daughter, a sister (x4), an aunt (x22), always ready, willing & able to do just about anything. I knew who & what I was & what I was about as far as my beliefs & values. Smart, intelliagent, self-assured, confident, LEVEL HEADED etc. My priorities in life where Loving God, myself, my children & husband, family, friends & having fun living the life my husband & I work so hard to build & maintain together at such a young age. I recently about a month ago started (for me) a new type of therapy. It's referred to as qEEG Biofeedback Counseling that specializes in mTBI, PCS & PTSD. I'm really trying so hard to be optimistic and really want & hope it helps me. I know, without a doubt in my at times broken mind..... I need it too. I'm ashamed & scared to say & admit to these things as openly as I'm about to so publicly, for fear of someone confirming my greatest fear of being labled with some type of "humiliating label of psychosis" because I am so angry about this. I'm angry, bitter, sometimes I have feelings of out & out rage inside for what's happened to me & my family. I am so angry & so bitter with/at the man who did this to me. I've never in my entire life ever felt such ugliness inside myself about anyone or anything as I have these past 4 yrs. I don't understand them & I don't like it PERIOD. I personally don't want to physically harm him or see him harmed BUT I DO wish "he could walk in my shoes for 1 month" just to SEE the "consequences" of his actions, and what it's caused. But then it angers me even more to think "he still wouldn't get it"... as to these thoughts & feelings, I want them gone 4 yrs ago...I know, by me continuing to carry these feelings inside is like I'm letting him win, "I get it", but..."it's not going away" & I don't know how to make it go away. I'm mad at myself for letting this stupid brain injury get the best of me & for it not cooperating with what it needs to in order to "go away". I'm also so angry at God for letting it happen, I haven't prayed or even cared to pray since...wow. (I"finally" clearly remember praying to God, while looking straight in that mans eyes & face as he was strangeling me while banging my head in that wall, once I realized my reach simply wasn't long enough to defend myself). It really upsets my family to hear me say that so I really try to avoid the entire topic period & I'm sorry if it offends you I still to this day can't help it. Now I feel like a freak because I'm so scatter brained, (it's taken me hours just to write this). I know I'm flighty & a flake at times. I loose track of time constantly, like days, events, times. My thought process doesn't even feel like my own at times. I forget what I'm talking about or saying mid sentence, I stutter at times, my words will slur at times, sometimes I know what something is but for the life of me can't think of the name or word. I'm unorganized. I feel like I'm lazy, when I start a chore, I don't finish it, I move on to something else, don't finish that either and before I even realize it I have stuff sitting everywhere from unfinished tasks I've started. I'm then so overwhelmed by physically seeing the mess I've created, I don't even know where to begin to clean it up! So what do I do?? I get mad, frustrated, sleepy & cry cause it's all still so overwhelming. When I feel like I'm moving forward & making progress, the slightest mistake or mishap seems to set me back...(2 or 3 steps forward, 6-8 steps backwards). It's humiliating for me but I "just now" 2 days ago applyed for SSI & Disability (over the phone). Suicide, yes, I have absolutely thought about just ending it for all our sanity....then I chicken out. I always seem to think about my kidos, my husband, my dog...(retired K9 partner) & get upset at the thought of who'll find me, what I'll look like & omg...are my underware clean?? (I know that sounds strange but I've worked suicide cases, I've seen the after effects & it's not pretty no matter how you do it). Then the though of my kids, husband & family being left to face, deal & live with my selfish actions & choices....I've thought about it all, guess that's why I'm still around.
I just want my life back the way it was before. I want to go back to work and do what I loved doing. I don't want to be (what I consider myself) a light switch, on and functioning one day (or minute) & off the next. I miss multi-tasking, talking with the TV on, listening to the radio louder than # 3 of 10 volume, having a glass of wine or at least being able to consume 2 beers without falling asleep after 1, hanging with family & friends, being able to carry a conversation with someone without being distracted by noise. I used to LOVE going to the firing range, fishing, going hunting, shopping at Walmart, the mall....talking to people. I miss people in general. I hope to one day be able to enjoy life again. I hope I won't feel so angry & bitter inside, I hope to learn to not be so damn stubborn, quit fighting or better yet trying to "compete" with myself and accept the fact that I really am the same person I was before...just different, not on the outside but inside. We'll see...I'd love to find a support group I could go to in person daily, weekly or something...If anyone know of one I live in Southern Indiana like right by Louisville Kentucky.
Thanks for reading my babbling to blow off steam!
--Toni S