I was reading with interest your post on bottling up feelings.

I find I have been doing that for almost 8 years. My son left home over 8 years ago and we have not seen him since. It's been brutal, hell and whatever else you can call it. He is toxic to us and I had to put up such boundaries I cannot begin to tell you. And I did this with the advice and support of mental health professionals who know the whole story.

I just didn't go "No more contact with him". This took YEARS of soul searching and decision making. I even ran this by a friend who happens to be a psychologist who told me "Melody you must maintain your sanity, you did EXACTLY what you needed to do".

But when you put up walls, boundaries, etc, you take away some of your humanity. I gather this is why I was able to lose all the weight I had been carrying for so many years. I was an emotional eater and when you strip away emotions, you look at life, health, your body, well you look at it logically, not emotionaly and I got to the point where I said: "Enough is enough, I'm not carrying all this weight around, I don't want the complications of diabetes, blah blah blah", and I had absolutely NO difficulty whatsoever giving up all the junk and eating vegetarian and completely changing my behavior and eating habits. My brain must have changed dramatically for me to have been able to do this. My own doctor told me "I have never met anyone who could do this and not cheat.

It never occurs to me to cheat because I look at this logically and I don't reach for the nearest ding dong.

So, for whatever reason, my brain has changed. I am not the same emotional creature I was before my son left us. It's like I have evolved into this person of 62 who is able to detach completely from remembering stuff about my son. I'm only writing about him now because I think it's just plain weird to go from being a mother to NOT being a mother (mentally I mean).

I was a completely different human being 8 years ago. I had a mother's heart, I had a mother's love, I was a mother.

I no longer feel any of those emotions. This is what he did to me.

I can look at it in a different way. Becoming this way has enabled me to look after myself better, to put myself first, to focus on my health and not everybody else. Hurray for me

NOT!!!

But I will always wonder. The what if's come to play.

I know we can't control other people's behaviors toward us. I know this. Everyone has to be accountable for their own actions.

But to be able to put up boundaries like I have.

I don't know.

I'm afraid that one day they may fall down and I may fall down with them.

It hasn't happened yet.

I'm still a whole person who goes out for breakfast, takes care of the apartment, takes care of my sick husband, etc.

I have to find new clothes because I lost weight and now I have to get used to my new appearance. And don't think this is easy because there will always be people who say "Stop dieting" (these are the 350 lb people).

There will always be someone who will have a negative comment.

I am trying to come up with responses that don't let me punch these people in their noses. You have no idea how many people think they have the right to blurt out "what the hell happened with your son, how come he never came home?

Oh my god, It's SO hard to look these people in the face and find something to say that won't disclose my private business.

Really, any come-backs would be greatly appreciated.

I have actually said "I am sorry but that subject is very private and painful to talk about".

The looks I get are pitiful. Some are judgmental.

You do know that people will judge you NO MATTER if you are right or wrong.

I just wonder (I should have put this on that I wonder thread, right)

lol

Melody