I feel really bad for doing this once again, but I am just going to copy what is written in my CaringBridge so you can see the update (and so I can read this thread from start to finish someday when it's all said and done). I planned to write something for my CaringBridge and then come and write something else here... but I am exhausted and having the worst pain attack that I've had in a long time. I just need to go to bed. So here's some of what I wrote in my CaringBridge journal--I took out the parts about other aspects of my day/life.. so if you want to read more, the link is in my signature.. otherwise, this is what I wrote relating to this thread.

"So, my big news!!!

My mom came home at noon and helped me shower, she changed my bedding, made me lunch, and then went to lay down until it was time for her to go back to work. She was tired and not feeling well. However, not long after she laid down, my cell phone rang. It was a Sioux Falls number... I hesitate to answer calls from there, since most of the places that are coming after me for money (medical places) are from that town. However, I answered it in hopes that it wouldn't be about money.

Sure enough, it wasn't!

It was a lady calling about the "trial surgery" (which is what she called it, but technically its more of a procedure before the surgery). She said that my pain management doctor approved me going ahead with the spinal cord stimulator (SCS) process. This was a big surprise to me. I was so sure that the misunderstanding in my medical records and the psych evaluation (where the doctor said I had anxiety and panic attacks and I do not.. so the guy who did the psych eval had a biased view of me from incorrect records), that I would not be approved. I actually haven't been back to my doctor yet--it is next week. So, I was pretty surprised when she told me that I was approved. I hurried up and walked to my mom's room so I could have her help me write things down. The lady said that my trial surgery (which is not really a full surgery, more like a procedure--but that's what she is calling it) will be October 26th. I have to meet with the anesthesiologist who will do the trial surgery at 11 am. Then, I will have the surgery/procedure in the early afternoon. I have to be there to register at 1:30, but I don't know how long that takes and when the actual thing will get started.

Most of what I've read online says that the trial is usually for 5-7 days. Mine, however, only seems to be 3 days--they scheduled me for a follow up on October 29th. I talked with my friend Tara (who has a SCS) and asked her if she met with the doctor more than once during the trial period. She said no, that when she saw this doctor after the trial, that is when they took the lead wires out. So my understanding is that my trial will only last 3 days and then will be taken out. I'm not absolutely positive about that... but that's how it sounds.

So, this is really happening! Of course, this is just the trial. The next steps will depend on how the trial goes. If it doesn't help enough to make it worth it, it will end at the trial. If the buzzing sensation is something I can't handle (my doctor said that the feeling irritates some people more than the pain they are in does--which I can't imagine), then we won't move forward. Otherwise, it sounds like I will be sent home to heal and then my surgery will be scheduled. I'm still not clear on the time period between the trial and the actual surgery--some say it was a few weeks, some say a few months, and some longer than that. I suppose it depends on a lot of variables and the specific case.

Here's the thing about this trial... I want to be as optimistic as possible and give it a fair chance to work. I'm not planning on going into it saying "this will never work... why even bother... the pain is too bad to be helped"... however... I want to be realistic. I don't want it to only help a little, therefore making it not worth the surgery... but yet convince myself that it is worth it. It sounds like I'm already claiming it won't work, but that's not it at all.

I just want real results. If it works, terrific--let's move forward! But if not, I don't want anything (with other people or within myself) to give me false hope and make me think it's working if it doesn't. Does that many any sense?

The surgery, especially with paddles, is a pretty serious surgery. Most have said that while recovery was painful, it was not worse than any other surgery. However, it is also true that while surgery can lead to death regardless of the type of surgery, the spinal cord is a really scary place to mess around with.. at least that's what I've read a lot. I'm not a doctor and don't have a degree.. but I've read that if something gets messed up or the spinal cord fluid leaks, that's really bad. There are probably hundreds of people having this surgery every week... and I'm guessing that the large majority of them come out just fine. I just don't want to go through it all if it isn't going to help. If it is, though, it will SO be worth it.

I just hope that it does help... and that I can have the surgery and then have the permanent one work, too. That would be the ideal situation. I just don't want it to go the other way around... it helps and then I have the implant, and then it doesn't work or something goes very wrong.

I'm not sure that I explained that very well... but I hope people don't misunderstand me. I'm just in a TON of pain tonight... this is the worst pain I've had in a while...

I still want the trial to go well and still want to pursue the implant. Period. "