I am torn somewhere in between the two "extremes" (for a lack of a better word) presented in this thread.

I've been to that dark place, all too often in my younger days (at at 24, that sounds lame.. but I struggled a lot when I was 11-20 with depression, anxiety, thoughts of suicide, etc). I know what it is like to not want to wake up tomorrow. I had days where I prayed my heart out to God, begging him to kill me somehow.. whether I was just struck down dead.. or a medical problem, or a car accident, a murder.. I didn't care. I just wanted out. I was in a lot of pain. I realize that all teenagers go through rough transitions and that a lot of teens go through phases where they are depressed and hate life. It was much more than that for me. I was struggling with memories/flashbacks of abuse. I knew that I was unwanted by the people I loved most in my life. I was physically abused by a sibling day after day. I had chronic pain. I was going to school (middle school and high school) full time yet babysitting over 25 (sometimes 40 or more) hours a week to help buy food for my family. Without that money, we would have gone without. I had a LOT going on for an 11 year old (and on up, for 9 or 10 years). It wasn't just the "typical teen angst".. though I'm sure that is hard to go through as well.

I've had several times in my life where I felt hopeless and felt that there was no point in living.

I've also been on the other end.. the end that knows that even in the darkest times, I am blessed. I have people around me that love me and are there for me. I have a home. I have clothes. I have food. Hey, if all of us can afford internet or can get to either a job or school where we can access the internet... or a library or something--we are already better off than a lot of the people in the world. Internet is a complete luxury.. so each of us on here is very blessed.

I've been on both sides, and usually I am somewhere in the middle. Mostly more towards the "blessed/happy" side, but it depends on circumstances.

And what I have learned time and time again... is that if ONE person loves me, life is worth living. If I love ONE person, life is worth living. If I make a difference in someone's life (even by a simple smile to someone who is hurting badly and wanting to escape this life).. just ONE person's life... life is worth living. I think it's really easy to look at the bad in our lives and in the world and think "this is too hard. I don't want to live in this world anymore". But like everything in life, the honest truth (though it is sometimes hard to hear), is that it's not all about us. It's not all about me. It's not all about Koala77. It's not all about BMW. It's not all about you, Blue. Yes, we are all given the ability to make choices. If I were to decide right now that I was tired of this life, I could make a choice and not live anymore. But--then I would be satisfied (for the moment, in the hard times--but would miss out on a LOT of happiness throughout the years of my life that I would be missing). But what about my mom? What about my brother? What about the lady I may see at the clinic next month who is feeling the same way I am, and just a simple "hi" from a stranger could save her life? What about the people on NT who have grown to love me and support me? What about -them-? I know this isn't the case with every single person... and maybe they just didn't think about "the others" who would miss them when they are gone.. but though I've thought about suicide many times and wished I could escape the pain and heartache of this world.. I have never had the "heart" (or guts, or both?) to totally go through with it. I have lost many people in my life to death... though thankfully, none to suicide. It hurts so badly to lose someone... and I couldn't stand the thought of what those who are left behind would think. "Wasn't I enough to keep her alive?" "She didn't care enough about us to live." "How selfish--didn't she think about how we would feel if she went through with it?"

Not everyone is always able to stop and think about those things. I am fully aware that sometimes the pain is so great and the urge is so strong... and people don't always think about the effect that their choices will make on other people. BUT... when I talk to people who are thinking about suicide, I always try to bring this up. Yes, I know you are hurting.. and I sympathize.. I have been there. But do you know how many people care about you, and how badly they would hurt if you left?

So.. I am asking YOU. You, Blue. You, whoever is reading this. You, whoever is struggling and not wanting to participate in this painful thing called life. How would you feel if you were the one left behind? Is there anyone in your life that you would hurt if you weren't around? I know there are. I know nothing about your personal life.. your family.. your friends. But this is one thing I know for a FACT... it is EXTREMELY obvious that people care about you. People would not reply... and tell you they care... tell you they've been there... spend time trying to encourage you... if nobody cared, they would read your message and hit the "X" in the corner and move on. Every person who has stopped and taken time out of their day to love you and encourage you... would be deeply saddened if you were no longer here.

Blue, you are a part of this community. From the first day I clicked onto this board, a bit terrified to reply because I didn't know how people would respond and if they would care about me.. You are one of the first people I saw here. And the number of people who care about you is overwhelming. You are SO loved.. here in this community, and I have a sneaking suspicion that you are loved by other people in your life as well.

As I've said--I've been there. I know how hard life is.. and how hard it can be to open your eyes and face another day when things look so bleak.

But please... go to page 1 and reread the responses you've gotten. Look at all of the people who have responded, and what they have said. Look at the lives you have touched. Look at the -difference- you have made in their lives. You matter, and you are loved. And love... is always worth living for.