Michael:

My name is Will. I had a ruptured brain aneurysm right temporal lobe, 1991. Most of your symptoms match mine to a "T."

Has your doctor ever used the term "organic personality change" around you? This was my most serious and damaging after effect : basically, since our personality resides upstairs in the grey matter, when something goes wrong up there, it can change your personality. In my case, I became "The Old Me" [all my bad traits] X 1,000!

I am particularly interested in - and curious to understand - your "glad to be alive" reaction. It seems to be a very common refrain amongst many survivors. But not for me. I lsot my career, my health, my friends, my feelings of 'wellness' - on that g.d. operating table! I wish those "Hero Complex" doctors had just let me die. It seems to be with them: "WE CAN save him...so WE WILL"...regardless of the diminished quality of my life post-op.

I have been suicidal. Once. I don't recommend it.

I wonder if you would care to explore here this admittedly existential question, "I'm just glad to be alive" ? In my own experience, it just hasn't been worth it. Like Godot...I feel everyday as if I'm waiting...but for what?

John Lennon wrote a lyric, "Tomorrow Never Knows" back in 1966 on The Beatles "Revolver" album. Part of the chorus goes like this : "He said...He said...I know what it's like to be dead. I know what it is to be sad. i know what it's like to be mad." This resonates with me. I walk around everyday feeling just like that.

Oh! One last word or advice: DO MOT let your neurosurgeon just walk away and forget about you, as if you were just another notch in his belt. Demand that he continue to follow up with you - for years if necessary. My surgeon totally left me adrift, and that caused me inestimable damage when I did not get the post-op support that I needed.

I look forward to hearing from you on my query.